Tuesday, April 19, 2011

disclaimer: this post is quite candid and real. so if you don't like it, then you can shove it. but you don't like it, you love it. (It's a Weezer song, don't be offended.)

I was talking to a friend last night, and it hit me. Hard. I am getting a divorce.

Let's just say I cried. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't sobbing or anything. But I cried. For the first time in weeks.

I cried about not crying for weeks. It sounds like a silly thing to cry about, until you realize that you've been bottling up your emotions for so long, that you've convinced even yourself that you don't need to grieve. When in reality, grieving is normal and necessary.

I cried about the reality that I may not get married again. That isn't a plea for comments telling me that oh, of course I'll get married again. Because let's face it, I might not. Yes, I still might. But it could be years, if ever. And that scared me.

I cried about losing my best friend, and feeling that if my husband can't even stand me long enough to stay, why should I expect that anybody would ever love me again?

I went to bed after 3 in the morning and my alarm goes off at 6. I snoozed until 6:50, threw on last nights clothes, and left for work. Then once at work, I raided the candy cupboard and had 4 mini candy bars for breakfast, followed by a Rockstar. And I don't even care about the calories, about the caffeine that is making my heart race so badly as I type this, that I can't feel it hurt anymore. In fact, I prefer it.

I even turned my phone off. Anybody that knows me knows that there is nothing more rare than my phone being off, and not attached to my hand. Not even a blood red steak. (I know, lame joke.) Just goes to show that this is serious business, folks.

In less depressing news, I got glasses. Ray-Bans, cause I'm cool.
(Ignore the unenthusiastic face. Obviously this isn't my best day.)





Have a happy Tuesday.

3 comments:

  1. Heidi, Im sorry that your going through this, it has to be hard. And as much as you may not want to hear it, someone is always there to help you. Faith is the hardest thing to have during our lowest times, but it is the best thing (next to chocolate!) If your righteous the Lord with guide you every step of the way and you'll make it through! I love you girly and you'll get through this!

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  2. "if my husband can't even stand me long enough to stay, why should I expect that anybody would ever love me again?"
    You don't know how long I had to live with that statement too (this was before Dustin). But the beauty of self-examination is that most of the time we're wrong about ourselves.
    You eat that candy and you chug that Rockstar! It takes a lot of strength to accept emotions sometimes, even more to let yourself feel them. Being broken is the best thing that ever happened to me. You'll come back stronger. And that's when church doesn't seem as boring. :)<3

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  3. good hell I hate those days.. where the word is like 1000 pounds.. I even have those days now.. where I see the word divorced.. and its wow.. thats me.. ashley hart divorced.

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