Thursday, May 19, 2011

I've been trying to figure myself out lately. I thought I had gotten that taken care of years ago.
Turns out I didn't..or if I did, I'm at a spot in my life where I feel the need to be rediscovered.

You see, I don't want to be labeled as divorcee. That word tastes bad on my tongue. I despise it. It does not define me. It is not who I am.

But still, it is something that has happened to me. Something that has drawn scars on my heart and added even more worry to my already fearful thoughts. It has made me unsure of who I am and what I believe.

I have spent so many hours wondering how to overcome this, and be myself again without this label tattooed on my forehead. To be quite frank, I'm through with mourning over my failed marriage. I know I did things wrong, I know he did things wrong. And I know it's over, so why look back?

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I will lay in bed and cry all day on what would have been our year anniversary in 9 days... But most days, I am eager to get on with my life and to find happiness in a healthy relationship.

To me, a 9 month long marriage is more like a bad breakup with paperwork. In my heart, I know that I can pick up the pieces, be strong, and carry on.

But my fear is that others will look at me and see a broken marriage, and therefore assume there is a broken person underneath my happy exterior. And there is not. I am strong and I am a fighter.

But the thought of that label still haunts me.

5 comments:

  1. We all have our own labels we give ourselves (trust me, I have plenty I'm still fighting). But most of the time, nobody else is looking at you like you look at you -- and that's comforting.

    I at least make it a point, that if I am going to be the labels I give myself, I'll only do it when I'm alone. But in front of people, I'll be everything good about me (I hope!).

    You have a great perspective on this whole situation. Go, Heidi!!! :)

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  2. I agree with Ashley, I think we give ourselves labels and no one else really thinks so. I had the hardest time seeing people for a while because I was sure that they thought of me as a teen statistic slut who got pregnant in high school, but really I don't really think there is anyone who really thought that. And in my case and yours, if people really think these things then they have no clue what really went on and who we really are. I love ya girly and you will make it through!

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  3. Anyone who is married knows how freakin hard and crazy it is. I think people are more understanding these days, at least i'd like to hope so. I think your awesome and 9 months can be a seriously long time in a relationship that is having a hard time. I think your awesome and I can tell you from experience, all this will fade in time. Soon it will be a strange blur of a memory. Sendin cyber loves your way ;)

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  4. I HATE THE WORD DIVORCEE its like calling a handicapped person a retard, you just shouldn't do it!

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  5. I don't look at you that way, if it helps! It's no ones place to judge and if they do, they aren't worth your time/thoughts! Marriage is so complex and anyone who has been there knows. I hope you can feel accepted and not labeled- because you deserve to feel happy and comforted at this time!

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