There has been a lot of looking back and reminiscing.
4 years ago this week, I was graduating from high school.
1 year ago tomorrow, I was going through the temple for the first time.
1 year ago Sunday, I was getting married.
And now here I am.
Graduated from beauty school, but wishing I was graduating from college with the rest of my class. Although I love my career, part of me wants that cap and gown and degree hanging on my wall.
I don't visit the temple nearly enough. I'll be honest, it's hard for me to. I know that I should feel peace there, but I feel sadness..because I can't go through without thinking about the first time I was there. With my almost husband to be. I can't go through without thinking of the reason I went through for the first time, which essentially was to be married.
And obviously, here I am, approaching the year anniversary of my wedding, divorced. Although I know that things in my marriage weren't right, that stings.
Have I done anything right in the last 4 years? (that's a rhetorical question.)
I wish I could rewind, go back to the summer of 2008, when I was skinny, happy, immersed in my career. I guess hindsight really is 20/20.
Looking on the bright side, at least now I know what I want out of life, where my priorities should be, and what to look for in future relationships.
I've thought mostly about future relationships this week and all of the red flags that I chose to ignore while I was dating and engaged to my exhusband.
This is what I've decided I truly need:
- Somebody willing to accept my past, live with me in the present, and strive to help me be better for the future..somebody who makes me want to be better, and vice versa.
- Somebody who doesn't try to "fix" me-who thinks the way I mispronounce breakfast is cute...who just laughs along with me when I'm loud and/or excited in public...who holds my hand through my anxiety attacks.
- Somebody who will be my equal partner in the gospel-making sure we attend the temple, read our scriptures, etc. together, and not just one of us pestering the other.
Those are just a few things, but this post is getting long.
Now that I've thought about it though, I'm grateful for what I've learned along this long difficult road.
Maybe I wouldn't rewind after all.