Wednesday, May 25, 2011

This week has been a hard one for me.

There has been a lot of looking back and reminiscing.

4 years ago this week, I was graduating from high school.
1 year ago tomorrow, I was going through the temple for the first time.
1 year ago Sunday, I was getting married.

And now here I am.

Graduated from beauty school, but wishing I was graduating from college with the rest of my class. Although I love my career, part of me wants that cap and gown and degree hanging on my wall.

I don't visit the temple nearly enough. I'll be honest, it's hard for me to. I know that I should feel peace there, but I feel sadness..because I can't go through without thinking about the first time I was there. With my almost husband to be. I can't go through without thinking of the reason I went through for the first time, which essentially was to be married.

And obviously, here I am, approaching the year anniversary of my wedding, divorced. Although I know that things in my marriage weren't right, that stings.

Have I done anything right in the last 4 years? (that's a rhetorical question.)
I wish I could rewind, go back to the summer of 2008, when I was skinny, happy, immersed in my career. I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

Looking on the bright side, at least now I know what I want out of life, where my priorities should be, and what to look for in future relationships.

I've thought mostly about future relationships this week and all of the red flags that I chose to ignore while I was dating and engaged to my exhusband.

This is what I've decided I truly need:

  • Somebody willing to accept my past, live with me in the present, and strive to help me be better for the future..somebody who makes me want to be better, and vice versa.

  • Somebody who doesn't try to "fix" me-who thinks the way I mispronounce breakfast is cute...who just laughs along with me when I'm loud and/or excited in public...who holds my hand through my anxiety attacks.

  • Somebody who will be my equal partner in the gospel-making sure we attend the temple, read our scriptures, etc. together, and not just one of us pestering the other.

Those are just a few things, but this post is getting long.

Now that I've thought about it though, I'm grateful for what I've learned along this long difficult road.

Maybe I wouldn't rewind after all.


  1. Don't worry about the college thing. My diploma does exactly what you said. It just hangs on my wall. The point of college is not the diploma, but to learn and enjoy the classes.
    Maybe you should just take some fun night classes at MCC or something. Just random ones. Something that interests you. Like a language or art class. It will give you something to look forward to and give you a nice break from your day to day schedule. I took a portuguese class there and i really loved it. But i would recommend SCC for art classes.
    Anyways, it sounds to me like you either need a new hobby or you need to do something fun for yourself that is semi long-term (something that will take you a couple months to accomplish). If life is blah for you right now, make it not so blah by finding something to do that you can enjoy and learn from. :)

  2. Dearest Heidi,
    Words cannot explain how much I love you. It may sound weird, considering we never really talk or hang out (personally, I think this needs to change), but you are such an amazing woman and growing up in the same stake as you was always fun! I remember looking up to you when we were at Girls Camp. You have always just kind of been someone who I look up to and adore, and even recently you have helped me out emotionally, even if you didn't mean to.
    I guess the point of this is to just let you know how much I love and adore you!
    <3 Hannah

  3. Heidi, Heidi, Heidi,
    I know EXACTLY what you mean about temple attendance being hard because of what you associate it with. I had a lot of my own things like that, but then I realized I wasn't being fair to myself, or to others, by thinking this way. I also learned how powerful the mind can be at changing what we think of when we hear/see/do certain things. I've never had this happen with the temple, but I imagine that if I did, I would remind myself that the temple is for ME, whether I'm married or single, and that the temple is about the relationship with my Savior. If I didn't feel peaceful, I would make it peaceful to me. Because who has the right to take that experience away from us?! I would take that peace back! The whole point of what I'm saying is to tell you, YOU CAN, and not that you should, or how you should. The WHEN and HOW is completely yours to decide.

    I like your needs that you've discovered. They are very true. I can't say I have fulfilled all of those needs for Dustin, but you reminded me. It really is important to be understanding and to have someone understanding.

    The people in our lives that come and fall away are like keys to doors that need opened, and once the door is opened, there isn't much use for the key anymore. God will use others in that way to get us where we really are meant to be, and each time we learn something vital to attaining that end result. :)

  4. heidi, you are an amazing person and I just wish that you could see that. Thanks for the thought on facebook the other day. I hope that girls camp goes well for you and if you need any help, of course you can call me. Hang in there and keep your chin up. You know what is right in your heart so follow it and stop worrying about the rest of the world.

  5. Sydney B. DonaldsonMay 27, 2011 at 9:22 PM

    Summer of 2008 = best summer of my life. I spent it with my best friend! I love you Heidi.