Thursday, June 30, 2011

Quite depressing.

I am hurt.

I feel like everybody I let into my life recently takes advantage of me, uses me in some way.
and I hate it.

I feel sick.
I feel like curling up in my bed. But I don't want to be alone.
I want somebody to show up, bring me ice cream and not care that I'm fat.

The only problem is,
I don't have anybody I want to be not alone with.

And that feeling sucks.

Maybe I will just move far, far away.
Perhaps to Logan so I can see Ashley more.
Or perhaps to Oregon. Maybe I'll find that I don't love the sun as much as I think I do and that the rain suits me.

It really doesn't matter. The point is: I need a change. and I need it fast.


  1. This makes me sad, Heidi! You deserve to be HAPPY!!! Just keep praying for that change you need. I'll pray for ya too (:

  2. i just stumbled on your blog and have been reading your posts, old and new. you don't know me but i am a middle aged woman, married with two kids. i just want to tell you that i think your very pretty with beautiful skin. you have youth on your side so my advice is not to spend your youth dwelling about being lonely, fat etc.. life is here for you to live it and as you get older your options become limited. there is a ton of adventure out there and to dwell in the self loathing is to miss out on things outside ourselves, bigger, better, amazing opportunities. you seem smart, you are pretty and if only you just realized that, you would be that much more attractive and attract good, wonderful opportunities. also, just wanted to share a personal goal i recently accomplished and that was to run a 5k. i too have hated running my whole life because it hurt, felt akward, etc.. however, i downloaded couch to 5k on my itouch and 9 weeks after barely being able to run down my street without dying, i was running 3 miles!! whatever you do, i wish you the best of luck. i am just a random out here in cyber space so i hope you're not in anyway offended. good luck girl!

  3. Heidi, you grew up in the same ward as I did. A few years ago I had the same feelings you are experiencing now. I had people who gave me lots of "to do's", but as much as I tried to follow their well meaning advise nothing seemed to work. I then found a councilor that told me that all the advise I was given was good, but I wasnt emotionally ready for it. He said it was like trying to take college classes when I was still in grade school. He said I was entitled to my feelings, that there wasn't a schedule I needed to follow. He helped me choose to love myself before I tried to do anything else. I am so grateful for his advise. I stopped feeling guilty that I couldn't do everything that I had been told to do and started taking baby steps. It's been almost 20 years and I have been able to look back and see that even though my life changed forever through no actions of mine, the life I have now is wonderful and I have been able to use my experiences to help other's who are hurting. Take your time, don't feel guilty, get up every day and try to move an inch or two forward. It's a long road, but you can walk it and pretty soon you'll start to see goodthings again.

  4. Thank you for the sweet comments. I appreciate them so much. <3