Thursday, July 21, 2011

Well, that didn't last long..

Ok, maybe I slightly overreacted. I tend to do that on days when my anxiety peaks.

Yesterday, I was feeling very down about myself. I've been having difficulty lately recognizing any self worth.

When I went to see my counselor last night, I didn't tell him that I'd spent the day putting myself down. I have a hard time expressing in person to anybody that I'm feeling down-I've always been the perky, happy one and I feel like people expect that of me, and generally I don't mind.

Anyway, I'll get to the point. Without him knowing how I'd spent my day, he proceeded to tell me that he really enjoys my personality-that I have a way about me that invites people in, makes them feel comfortable, and helps dispell the lie in their head that they are worthless. He then said that is one of the greatest gifts one could give.

Hearing somebody else acknowledge a positive trait of mine without me having to seek out said acknowledgement really lifted my spirits, and instilled a little bit of the worth I've been seeking.

We also talked about the same thing we spend most of our time talking about-how I need to learn to set boundaries in my life. I recognized that one of the liabilities of being the kind of person that people feel they can open up to easily, is that once they've attached on to me, I feel bad setting the boundaries that are needed in any relationship. This has been happening quite frequently in my life lately, and it's been very draining. So my homework is to be able to establish limits in those relationships, because the lack of them is a huge cause of my anxiety.

And although it sounds ridiculous to talk about needing boundaries on a blog, I think that this is where I'll start.

Because I do need to recognize that it's ok if I don't blog every day. It's ok to be myself and not get dragged into trying to fit in. Because like Amy said in her comment on my last post, it is way more fun to be a reject. And I like who I am.

So, I apologize for the rant. Thank you for your kind words. And I should be back to my normal self now-except I'm not just going to blog because I feel like I have to. I'll only blog when I actually have something to say. (Which is frequently-I talk way too much.)

Ok the end.


  1. I'm glad you're feeling better Heidi!

    I totally understand how it can get, and the stupid pressures we feel sometimes.

    Thank you for sharing this little piece of your soul with us, it helps me feel better about myself when I have rants ;)

    And if it helps, I've always thought you were a great friend ;)

  2. i too am obsessed with your blog and hope you never stop giving updates. Also like Amy said alot of times people don't comment. I just don't know what to say most the time. But I do love you and like to know what's going on with you!

  3. Don't apologize for the rant. I get anxiety attacks and sometimes I would post what I'm actually feeling, but then go back and delete it. I'm glad your post was still there.

    With the things you've told me, I'm glad that you aren't married anymore. You deserve someone you can express your down-ness to, and that right one will come along as you continue to nurture yourself and realize how beautiful you are! I'm in the struggling-with-self-worth arena, too. Stop looking around and look up. It's not about blogs or how many "friends" you have or who follows on twitter or who's having kids or who hasn't been divorced. It's, "I'm a daughter of God and I'm just passing through."

    It's what I'm starting to learn and I know that you are learning it too. Thanks for teaching me (somewhat.. I tried) how to do those hair flowers. That's a good thing about you.

  4. Sorry. That rant of mine was more directed towards everyone, and not telling you what to do.

  5. I say, if blogging stops being fun, what's the point? I am all in favor of not forcing it. I love blogging but I am way too lazy to post every day... so I don't. Basically, unless someone is paying you to post that much (and wouldn't that be nice...), don't even sweat it. :)