I have been a horrible blogger as of late. There are topics swimming around in my head constantly, but as soon as I sit down to write, my mind just goes blank. It's unfortunate.
So we'll see where this post goes.
There are only 9 days until Christmas, people. NINE FREAKING DAYS. Needless to say, I'm nowhere near prepared. And I really have no excuse, since the number of gifts I'm buying this year was largely reduced due to the lack of husband/in-laws.
I would be lying if I said that this first year facing the holidays as a divorcee hasn't been hard. I've been surrounded by good friends and family, and constantly busy with activities, work, and Christmas parties. But I still feel like something is missing.
Christmas time last year was strained. It felt forced. We bought each other great presents, and spent time with our respective families, but I knew the feeling wasn't there. I feel like we both tried to put some effort in, and I'm grateful to my ex husband for knowing that Christmas and holidays mean a lot to me and for trying, throughout our issues.
I've found myself wondering recently if perhaps going through the motions in a far from happy marriage isn't better than wishing you weren't alone for the holidays. Now, I know this is faulty logic. I only wonder these things late at night, or while celebrating with friends who all happen to be married.
And although the previous sentiment might say otherwise, I feel like I'm finally at the point that I'm really ok and ready to move on. I've been thinking about divorce in general a lot more than usual lately, partly because of the holidays, and as I have good friends that are dealing with the pain of it.
I've come to the conclusion that all divorce stems from selfishness, on one or both parts. Feel free to argue that all you want, but in the circumstances I've been in, and have seen, that's the underlying problem. And I don't necessarily mean selfishness in the way that you don't love the other person, or that you don't want them to be happy. I suppose the kind of selfishness to which I'm referring is more made up of omissions-failure to act on improving a situation, perhaps because you don't know that what the other person needs is different from what you think is right. Or perhaps because you think that your partner should want and need attention in the way that you are willing to give. I'll be the first to admit that I'm guilty of both these things. It seems, though, that when a marriage has been suffering through this for too long, that people just give up. And honestly, nothing makes me more sad.
When it comes down to it, that's what I've decided marriage is: stepping outside of yourself and offering selflessly what the other person needs, whether you understand it or not, and even though it's the hardest thing to do some days.
And I really hope that someday, whether it's next year or in twenty years, I can find a marriage like that. And I hope that my ex husband does too.
We all deserve to be happy.
Sorry that this post was all over the place. I'm a little scatter brained today. (ok, every day.)
Hopefully it made sense, and was not taken in the wrong way by anybody.