Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I spent Memorial Day weekend with my new favorite person, Ashley! We met through the blogosphere, became good friends, and she so kindly invited me to come stay with her for the weekend. My parents were slightly worried that she was a man/murderer, but thankfully she was not and I'm still alive! yay! (like I would get in the car with a man anyway.)

They say a picture speaks a thousand words, so here are five pictures to sum up my weekend. You do the math. But I like words, so I'll still talk about every picture. So it will be closer to 5,872 words.

Ashley doesn't eat cereal. So we ate berries and milk and powdered sugar. I laughed at her for a while before I tried it. Guess what? It was actually pretty delicious.

A lot of hours were spent in front of the tv, on separate ends of the couch, with our cell phones, eating junk food. I was craving chicken nuggets, so we went to Walmart at midnight and bought some. Go us.
Ashley is the sweetest person I've ever met, and booked me a massage for my unniversary. Afterwards, we went to color me mine, and let our creative juices flow. I made a plate with lyrics from my favorite song at the moment.
(Nineteen, by Tegan and Sara)

One word: Cupcakes.

A few of my friends from Provo came up and we went to the zoo, then explored downtown Salt Lake.

If you live in the Salt Lake area, get off your computer right now. Do not pass Go. Just jump in your car and head straight to Bruge's Waffles and Frites. Thank me later.

I'm not going to lie, it was probably one of the best weekends I have ever had.

Thanks for letting me stay, Ashley!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

This week has been a hard one for me.

There has been a lot of looking back and reminiscing.

4 years ago this week, I was graduating from high school.
1 year ago tomorrow, I was going through the temple for the first time.
1 year ago Sunday, I was getting married.

And now here I am.

Graduated from beauty school, but wishing I was graduating from college with the rest of my class. Although I love my career, part of me wants that cap and gown and degree hanging on my wall.

I don't visit the temple nearly enough. I'll be honest, it's hard for me to. I know that I should feel peace there, but I feel sadness..because I can't go through without thinking about the first time I was there. With my almost husband to be. I can't go through without thinking of the reason I went through for the first time, which essentially was to be married.

And obviously, here I am, approaching the year anniversary of my wedding, divorced. Although I know that things in my marriage weren't right, that stings.

Have I done anything right in the last 4 years? (that's a rhetorical question.)
I wish I could rewind, go back to the summer of 2008, when I was skinny, happy, immersed in my career. I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

Looking on the bright side, at least now I know what I want out of life, where my priorities should be, and what to look for in future relationships.

I've thought mostly about future relationships this week and all of the red flags that I chose to ignore while I was dating and engaged to my exhusband.

This is what I've decided I truly need:

  • Somebody willing to accept my past, live with me in the present, and strive to help me be better for the future..somebody who makes me want to be better, and vice versa.

  • Somebody who doesn't try to "fix" me-who thinks the way I mispronounce breakfast is cute...who just laughs along with me when I'm loud and/or excited in public...who holds my hand through my anxiety attacks.

  • Somebody who will be my equal partner in the gospel-making sure we attend the temple, read our scriptures, etc. together, and not just one of us pestering the other.

Those are just a few things, but this post is getting long.

Now that I've thought about it though, I'm grateful for what I've learned along this long difficult road.

Maybe I wouldn't rewind after all.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I've been trying to figure myself out lately. I thought I had gotten that taken care of years ago.
Turns out I didn't..or if I did, I'm at a spot in my life where I feel the need to be rediscovered.

You see, I don't want to be labeled as divorcee. That word tastes bad on my tongue. I despise it. It does not define me. It is not who I am.

But still, it is something that has happened to me. Something that has drawn scars on my heart and added even more worry to my already fearful thoughts. It has made me unsure of who I am and what I believe.

I have spent so many hours wondering how to overcome this, and be myself again without this label tattooed on my forehead. To be quite frank, I'm through with mourning over my failed marriage. I know I did things wrong, I know he did things wrong. And I know it's over, so why look back?

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I will lay in bed and cry all day on what would have been our year anniversary in 9 days... But most days, I am eager to get on with my life and to find happiness in a healthy relationship.

To me, a 9 month long marriage is more like a bad breakup with paperwork. In my heart, I know that I can pick up the pieces, be strong, and carry on.

But my fear is that others will look at me and see a broken marriage, and therefore assume there is a broken person underneath my happy exterior. And there is not. I am strong and I am a fighter.

But the thought of that label still haunts me.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Dude. I have not had a weeekend so relaxing as this past one in...probably over a year. No joke, it was amazing.

I met up with my friend Mallory, and we hit up the Chandler mall, where we became best friends with an insane sales woman from Hollywood in Sephora, who sold me this makeup.

No lies, I'm obsessed. Water doesn't take it off, it doesn't make my skin oily, and it's natural. It's crazy because it comes out of the tube DARK, and blends in with any face color. I fell in love. and wasted a pretty penny on it. Oh well.

After that, we went to Nordstrom, where I ran into my favorite Biggest Loser contestant, Ali Vincent. She's so freaking inspirational. So what do I do? I open my big freaking mouth and say,

"Hi. I love you. But not in a lesbian way."
*crickets chirp. awkward silence.*

I fail at life.
After I embarrassed myself miserably, we went to Firebird's for Mallory's brother's graduation dinner, then saw Something Borrowed. I am IN LOVE with John Krasinski. He can do no wrong in my eyes. In fact, if he walked through the door right now, asking me to marry him, I'd do it, no questions asked. Ok, moving on.

I ended up spending the night at Mallory's, because she lives in freaking Maricopa. The next morning, we woke up to go yard sailing. I asked her mom for a shirt to borrow and she gave me this:

*crickets chirp again*
yes, I wore it. I have no shame. Sorry, mom.

The rest of the day was spent shopping, and devouring delicious pizza from Grimaldi's. I then napped, and spent time with my beautiful sister/cousin Kelsey.

Life doesn't get much better than that.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I got to spend this past weekend with my gorgeous little sister Heather! (ok, for the record, her and Kelsey are my cousins-but not really. we are sisters through and through. so just know that.)

Heather's mom had a marathon in New Mexico, and her sister and dad went along, so we got to party from Friday night to Sunday afternoon.

We started off the night with some delicious wings from Applebees, followed by one of my favorite movies, Juno.

"that ain't no etch-a-sketch...this is one doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet. your eggo is preggo."

The rest of the weekend was filled with happy things, like Sprinkles cupcakes and haircuts, dance parties at midnight and kareoke in the car, chocolate chip waffles and Papa John's...(there was definitely a fattening food theme..)

And lots and lots of good memories and new inside jokes. Heather is without a doubt the smartest and wittiest 14 year old I've ever met.

"They say black and white cats are the smartest cats. And I say-that's racial profiling." -Heather

Love you, sister!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Alright, blog world. I am officially beginning training for the Turkey Trot 5K today. Thank goodness it's not until November. I'm gonna need the 29 weeks.

Here's the thing-I don't just hate running. I despise running. Because, quite frankly, I'm really bad at it. I'm just not a natural runner.

I can kick butt in spin class, or rock the elliptical, no sweat. But running has always been a different story. So most people will say, "Then don't run. Stick with what you're good at."

But I want to run. I want to be fit and in shape. I want to know that I could run from a murderer. Or a ruthless dog trying to bite my face off.

So wish me luck!
{And any and all running tips are greatly appreciated-training schedules, shoes to buy, cutest running clothes...just throw 'em at me!}

Friday, May 6, 2011

I know all of you think that you have the best mom in the entire world-but I really do. At least she's the best for me.

My mom is the most kind, selfless person I've ever met. She is truly amazing, and my best friend. Which makes it kinda tragic that we have zero recent pictures together. (besides my wedding, but that's just depressing.)

I could attempt to write a list of all her amazing qualities, but really, it would take days. So here are the few things that have stood out to me lately...

Since my divorce, my mom has been so patient, understanding, and loving. She has never spoken one unkind word about my exhusband or his family, and in fact does just the opposite-she expresses concern and love for him, which is an amazing example to me.

The day that I moved out of the apartment that I shared with Ryan, my mom gave me a book as I left for my new house. It's called "Created For Greater Things" by Jeffrey R. Holland, and is a compilation of inspiring quotes. It brings me so much peace on nights that I feel alone. And that is just how my mom is-always doing thoughtful things for other people. She somehow knows when it is needed, even when it is not expressed to her. I know that she prays for me daily, and I can feel her prayers in my life.

My mom recently became Nana, and spends every night watching precious little Marley-with no complaint at all about any time that it takes away from her own needs.

She was unable to have children after having two ectopic pregnancies, and adopted me and my two siblings. I often tell her that she is the best mom I've ever had. People ask me frequently if I feel the need to find my birth mother, and I can honestly say I don't-because the mom that I have has cared for me since day one. She's held me while I cried, laughed with me when I'm goofy, driven me all around town to find cute clothes when I feel bad about myself, been prompted to offer me assistance when I'm too stubborn to ask. She is my mother, through and through. And I could not be more grateful for her.

Home is where your mom is.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

People. What is up with all of the hate in the blog world? Gratefully, I have never been the recipient of hateful or rude comments, or the subject of an unkind blog. But I have quite a few friends who have been, especially recently, and I wanted to share my thoughts on the matter.

I'm not going to name names, say who belittled who...that's not my place, nor do I wish to start any drama. But I can not understand why some people feel they are in the right when they publicly announce their dislike for anybody-let alone a fellow blogger that they most likely have never even met.

A lot of these women that are putting others down are mothers. I know all are daughters, probably sisters, cousins, aunts, maybe even leaders over young girls in their respective churches...Is this the kind of example that we want to set for our children and for the up and coming generation? Do we really want to teach them that it is ok to criticize somebody because they are different than us? I'm sure that the answer is a resounding no.

Yet we as women do it, and frequently. I am of course guilty of it also. But seeing the pain that it brings others, and knowing the pain that it has brought me, I'm learning that this is not ok. This is not acceptable. And this is not how daughters of a loving Heavenly Father should act.

We have no place to put others down. We do not know where they have been or what they are going through. We are each children of God. We each have our own strengths and weaknesses. Learning who you are and how to cope through the trials of life is a struggle we all face-why not celebrate and encourage each other throughout it?

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Church was quite productive today. I wrote out my bucket list! And for your reading pleasure, here it is.

1. Go to San Francisco-my uncle Greg has a salon there that I've always wanted to visit. Apparently it's the bomb.com. I've also never seen Northern California, and am dying to.

2. Become a cosmetology instructor-I LOVED beauty school. Every second of it. I've always known I wanted to be a teacher, but kids kinda hate me, and I kinda hate math. and science. and history. and every class but choir and English. So it hit me, why not teach about something I love, to adults?? duh.

3. Visit Graceland-Anybody who knows me at all, knows I love Elvis to my core. Enough said.

4. Ride in a train-Just recently I found out that they have real life trains with real life tables you can sit at on your ride, and I get super excited about little things like that. Call me crazy, but I thought that was only in Harry Potter. It's been my dream since I discovered it.

5. Own another convertible or a Vespa-I owned a convertible once. And let's just say every day with it was the happiest day of my life. And Vespa's are the cutest thing ever.

6. Run a 5K-Might be easy for some people, but it's a miracle if I can make a lap without dry heaving.

7. Learn how to play another instrument-Maybe the guitar, since I only can play two songs? Or the ukelele would be sa-weet.

8. Go to New Zealand-Let's face it, Lord of the Rings isn't my favorite movie, but holy cow. Ever since I saw it, I've been entranced by the beauty that is New Zealand.

9. Go to a Broadway play in New York-Les Mis or Wicked, anyone? Two favorites of. all. time.

10. Take a cake decorating class-Cake makes me happy, ok??

11. Do service in (or at least for) Africa-Ever since I graduated high school, I've wanted to somehow serve the people of Africa. And I will. Just wait.

12. Adopt a baby-Having been adopted myself, I'm kind of partial to the idea of giving a child a life they otherwise wouldn't have had.

13. Sew something awesome that doesn't fall apart-For once I'd like a quilt that I sewed to not have holes big enough for my legs to fit through.

14. Attend the recording of a game show-More preferably, get on said game show, and win.

15. Reach my goal weight (and stay there)-Yeah, I reached my goal weight once. Then I got depressed and gained 30 pounds. Then I almost hit it again. Then my husband left me, and I depended on cupcakes and Dr. Pepper for happiness. No more, I tell you! No more!

16. Learn to play Piano Fantasy perfectly-I can play it..but I mess up. Lots. And if I could play it perfectly..what man could resist that?? (kidding.)

(this bucket list is subject to change at any time.)