Thursday, June 30, 2011

Quite depressing.

I am hurt.

I feel like everybody I let into my life recently takes advantage of me, uses me in some way.
and I hate it.

I feel sick.
I feel like curling up in my bed. But I don't want to be alone.
I want somebody to show up, bring me ice cream and not care that I'm fat.

The only problem is,
I don't have anybody I want to be not alone with.

And that feeling sucks.

Maybe I will just move far, far away.
Perhaps to Logan so I can see Ashley more.
Or perhaps to Oregon. Maybe I'll find that I don't love the sun as much as I think I do and that the rain suits me.

It really doesn't matter. The point is: I need a change. and I need it fast.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Guys...can I please just say that I am completely and utterly obsessed with So You think You Can Dance?

Seriously, if it's a Wednesday or Thursday night, don't even bother trying to get ahold of me, because I can only be found on the couch with my sister in law at my parents house watching two amazing hours of TV, while simultaneously painting our nails or doing hair.

I've said it before and I'll say it again-I just know that deep down inside of me is a hip hop dancer fighting her way out, and I have no idea how to unleash her.

Favorite this year: Melanie and Marko.
They give me chills.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Music Monday

Yay, I love Music Monday!

I also love the band He is We.

The lead singer is absolutely adorable, I love her voice, and they're coming to the Nile on August 1st! I can't wait to see them again!

{This is just my favorite song on the album, but all of them are fabulous.}

Friday, June 24, 2011

Bahama Rama Mama!

114 degree weather means there will be lots of this for a few months:

Yes, blurry cell phone pictures and cheesy smiles.

I kid, I kid. I'm really referencing the delicious Dr. Pepper Bahama Bucks in my hand, complete with cream, ice cream, and a happy paper umbrella.
(although next time, I'm going with strawberry cheesecake..)

I feel sorry for you poor souls that don't have Bahama Bucks.

Thursday, June 23, 2011


I wish I could come up with a more creative title for this post, but I don't feel like thinking at the moment.

Recently I've become obsessed with nail polish and nail art.

I've never been particularly girly, and never have paid much attention to detail, so this is a rather new thing for me, but I love it.

I think my sister-in-law and I can name every single OPI color by name.

So when I saw this picture on tumblr, I fell in love and knew I had to try it.

Here's how it came out:

(sorry for the blurry picture-swear it looks better in real life.)

I used Sally Hansen Blue-Away. (I'm sorry, OPI...I promise I'll never cheat on you again.) Then I used my white and black stripers to make the dandelions. Super easy!

Any other lovely nail art I should try out??

Monday, June 20, 2011

Music Monday!

I decided to start something new on this little blog of mine.

Anybody that knows anything at all about me knows that I'm obsessed with music.

It's my religion. Mormonism? That's just a hobby. (kidding.)
But really, I have a strong love for music.

Whether I'm making it or listening to it, music has a strong effect on me.
I especially love lyrics and how relatable they can be to life.

The idea is pretty simple. Every Monday, I'll post the cute little Music Monday symbol, followed by a song I'm currently obsessing over. Feel free to comment with your favorite songs/bands. Collecting and sharing music is easily my favorite thing to do.

Ok I'm talking too much. Without further ado, I thought I'd start with my favorite song by my favorite band-Seventy Times 7 by Brand New.

(If you don't like angry music, you should probably just tune in next week.)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Obligatory Father's Day Post

Hey, everybody's posting about their father's, so I should too, right?

I wish there were words to express how much my dad means to me, but there aren't.

So I'll just tell you some of the things I love most about him!

My dad was always in the bishopric or the bishop growing up, so I didn't get to sit with him in church until I was 16 or 17. But as soon as he joined me on the pew, we had a blast. We are probably the two loudest adults in the congregation, yet he is the most spiritual man I know. When I think of my dad, I can honestly say that the first things that come to mind are the Savior and the example of Him that my dad is to everybody in his life.

I have never once in my life heard my dad speak poorly of anybody. He treats my mom with the utmost love and respect.
He has always disciplined with the perfect balance of mercy and justice.
He loves the gospel of Jesus Christ so much that tears come to his eyes whenever he expresses his testimony, which is on a regular basis-not just in our family, but any chance he gets.
Ever since I was little, it's been my thing with my dad to listen to 94.5 (the oldies station) whenever we're in the car together. We can often be found in my kitchen on Sundays singing songs from the 50's and 60's.
My dad makes me laugh every time that I see him, and he always laughs at my jokes.
It sounds like I'm trying to make him out to be perfect, and he isn't.
But he's the closest man to perfect that I know.

I know he won't read this (he's technologically challenged), but I've told him all of these things before, so that's ok. :)

Happy father's day.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I've been sitting at my desk for the better part of an hour now, unable to move or to focus on invoices, the company website being down, the credit apps I have to process..

All I can think of centers around this thought:
I hate being an adult.

I want to go back-
to not worrying about the bills I can't pay.
to being blissfully ignorant of all of the lies and selfishness swirling all around me.
to sleeping on my parents floor when I'm scared at night.

When you're a kid these real life things don't matter. Your friends are always there for you, because you have no real problems that they're scared to face, so they don't.

People don't leave you. People don't USE you. Your parents put food on the table. You actually have a summer vacation. (that last one has been driving me nuts lately.)

I know that in reality, I love my independence too much to really go back to the way things were 10-15 years ago.

But after an awful interaction with a certain someone yesterday, I'm feeling quite alone and vulnerable, and just wish I could wake up in my old bed, to the comfort of my old house. I'd even take back having to complete the dreaded chore list before I could call my friends to play.

I can't help but remember the wise words of my Laurel leader (the fabulous Colleen Coleman) that I often think of when life sucks...

"Always think a happy thought, even if it's just 'tomorrow will be better.'"

And it will be.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Life is short. Stunt it.

This past weekend was full of all of my favorite things.

On Friday night, I hosted a Hot Rod party, complete with homemade grilled cheese sandwiches and 35 tacos from Del Taco. (If you haven't seen Hot Rod, you won't get the reason for my food choices.)

Hot Rod is my all time favorite movie-I can quote every line. So it was super fun to be able to see a lot of friends that I haven't really spent time with since I before I was married, and watch my favorite movie. Afterwards, my friends Mark and Mallory and Kelsey stayed for a while, and we played guitar and sang and talked-my favorite thing to do.

For Christmas, my parents gave the three kids+spouses tickets to our favorite musical-Les Miserables! The three kids in my family couldn't be more opposite each other..but the one thing we all enjoy and can come together on is Les Mis. Since I no longer have a spouse, I asked my best friend Sarah Jo to come along as my date. We went to CPK first and caught up on life.
I'm so grateful for Sarah-she's been there for me through everything-my marriage, my divorce, and everything before, after, and in between. She's also an awesome aesthetician and taught me everything I know makeup-wise. I love you, Sarah Jo!

{me and SJ back in the day.}

Sarah took pictures with her camera, and I haven't gotten them from her yet. But the show was amazing. I had chills the whole 3 hours, and I'm pretty sure my dad was crying. The whole time.

If you've never listened to the music from Les Mis, or heard the story line, go do that now. It does not disappoint.

My weekends lately, have just been stellar. Hopefully the pattern continues.

What did you do this weekend??

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Yet another divorce post..

Yes, I talk about my divorce a lot, but it's my blog, which means it's my thoughts, which means I'm going to talk about my divorce.

One of the hardest parts of this whole ordeal has been people coming to me and saying,

"I knew it wouldn't two never seemed right for each other."
(or some variable of this with specific examples of why we were doomed from the start.)

to which I reply,

"Why didn't you tell me??"

Of course everybody's response is that I wouldn't have listened, I would have been angry and gotten married anyway.

But the thing that gets to me the most is that I think I would have listened...especially if my parents had been the ones to say it.

I had doubts when we were dating, engaged...I saw red flags that scared me but that I figured would work themselves out...and they never did.
The thing is, when I had those feelings, people would just calm my nerves by telling me how cute and happy we looked together...the same people who now tell me they never thought that our relationship was a good idea.

In hindsight, I don't know if I ever thought it was either.

Was I happy? While we were dating, yes, usually.

But I let myself ignore the fact that happiness isn't going to last in a relationship where communication, selflessness, and humility don't have priority.

Don't get me wrong-I know those things are not only hard to obtain, but to continually practice. I'll be the first to tell you that I failed miserably at them.

But that is why marriage is hard. That is why marriage is a sacrifice. And all I can do now is hope and pray that my next relationship or marriage will be one where both parties are committed enough to exercise those things.

And if not, then I will try again. And again. And again. Until I get the true happiness that I know we all deserve with that special person that will love us for who we are-so much that they won't let us go.

And I can't wait for it.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Facebook Etiquette 101

I was thinking yesterday-there are a lot of things that really drive me crazy on Facebook-things that people should never do, if they want to uphold their dignity and/or credibility in my book.

1. iF u TyPe LyK dIs, U WiLL b DeLeTeD 4M mY fRiEnDs LiSt.
Faster than it took me to type that sentence. Which was a solid 1.3 minutes that I'll never get back. Really? Who wants to take the time to capatalize every other letter? Unless, you're not taking the time to spell out real words like "you" and "be". Then I guess it evens out. Oh, it doesn't.
P.S. If you're over the age of 13, just forget ever earning my Facebook respect. We can talk about real life respect later, when I no longer have to read uR uPdAtEs.

2.If you have 124 profile pictures, and 122 of them are pictures of yourself taken in the mirror, or upclose with your camera phone, you probably suffer from a not so rare, and very real disorder-Facebook Vanity.
This is different than regular old vanity, my friends. Facebook Vanity consists of taking a picture of yourself every time you look semi-decent, having a new profile picture at least 5 times a week, and obsessively checking for that blessed little red notification to let you know somebody "liked" your photo, or commented on how hawt you are.
This isn't MySpace, ya'll.

3. It's really great that you love your significant other sooo much, but I don't need to hear about it every day. Nor do I want to.
Don't get me wrong, I think the occasional brag about your husband/boyfriend/wife is cute..a bit of public love every once in a while isn't a bad thing. In fact, I hope that my future husband will publicly announce how awesome he thinks I am 3 times a year. But when literally every status update is about how perfect they are, you're getting carried away. This is social networking. Not your diary.

4. "Liking" every status update and picture that you, yourself, post is crazy.
We know you like it. You wouldn't have posted it otherwise. Enough said.

I think that is sufficient for now.
But for more Facebook blunders, go to You're welcome.

Monday, June 6, 2011

A Little Bit Stronger

I have a new feel good song. I've been listening to it on repeat for days. And maybe pretending I'm singing karaoke with a fake microphone. But that's a pretty normal thing for me.

{I just started playing it, and my office manager said, "here we go again..."}

In other news, men are confusing. But I guess that's not news, is it?

Dear men,
This "hanging out" business is for fools.
If you are interested in a girl, ask her on a date. and soon, or she'll move on.
Just a piece of constructive criticism from somebody who's been there, done that.
That is all.
Love, Heidi

Seriously though, I don't remember ever dating my exhusband. Ever.
I can count on one hand the number of "dates" we went on.

Bad idea.
Girls, if you like a boy, don't let him get away with hanging out every night.
DATE. Get to know each other. In the proper setting.
And for reals guys, don't ask a girl out over text. Tacky.

That's my soap box for the day.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I feel you in my heart, and I don't even know you..

{Idea stolen from Ashley}

Dear future husband,

Hi. I do not know you, and you do not know me. Chances are that you have a list written up somewhere of what you want in a wife, just as I have a list of things I need in a husband.

I hope that I live up to your list. I'm doing everything I can to prepare to.

I know that my experiences in life have made me cynical towards love and marriage. All I can really ask of you is patience, and lots of love to help me trust again. I can tell you now that I'll have lots of anxiety attacks and worries about silly things. I hope that you can hold my hand through those difficult times and I promise to do the same for you.

Expensive things don't matter to me much. I don't mind if we're poor at first. I don't need big gifts or fancy cars. It would mean so much more to me if I came home to a picnic set up in the living room with a $5 dollar pizza than if we planned to go out to eat. Thoughtful gestures like really mean the world to me.

I already know that my family will love and accept you, and I hope that you will feel like a part of my family, and that I will feel like a part of yours. I hope going back and forth for holidays will be a blessing rather than a burden.

I can't wait to cook dinner together, to lay in bed and talk before we fall asleep, to hold hands in the car and leave little notes for each other-to do all the little things that make the love last, that I missed so much in my last marriage.

I hope that when you promise me that you'll never leave me, that I can believe you. I pray that when I'm getting ready for our wedding day, I'll know with a surety that someday I won't be getting ready to walk into court for our divorce.

I know that this all sounds quite selfish, but I promise you that I will do my best to give you everything you want and need in return. If you are happy in our marriage, I will be too.

Just don't ever give up on me...

Love, Heidi