Monday, October 17, 2011

I never finish anyth

Life has been grand lately. I keep extremely busy, I have great friends, I just got a new calling in the Fellowshipping committee. I've been to the zoo, Out of Africa and Jerome in the past week and a half, celebrated my favorite (and only) niece's first birthday, and life has been extremely happy. I'm even off of my depression medicine.

But there is still that one thing nagging at the back of my mind...the need to lose weight and feel better about myself.

We all struggle with this at some point in our lives. I know I'm not alone. But it's gotten to the point that I can't handle it anymore.

So I devised a plan. I won't go into the extent of it, but let's just say it excludes any sugar/bread and includes more protein and vegetables than I've ever consumed. And I'm really pumped about this.

Today was my first day and I didn't even kill anybody. In fact, I've been off Dr. Pepper for a whole three weeks (ok, I cheated once), but I didn't die. So my confidence in myself is growing and so is my excitement.

But in the back of my mind, I'm full of doubt. Here's why:
I have a beautiful, lovely, smart, and observant 15 year old cousin. A few months ago she said to me, after I changed the song in the car 30 seconds before it ended (as I always do),

"Heidi, you NEVER finish anything you start."
(I saw this picture on pinterest and thought of myself.)

I was kind of mad, so I argued that such a statement was indeed false. In short, she won that argument.

I realized that she was completely right. I DON'T finish anything I start. I can't even do the dishes without getting bored halfway through, which gives me anxiety, so I stop.

The only thing I've ever finished in life is school. And the occasional book. I didn't even finish my marriage. (People try to tell me that doesn't really apply, the circumstances were different. But it matters to me.)

So I'm terrified that I'm going to quit. Which is even worse than failing.
It's ironic that the fear of quitting may be the thing to make me quit.
But I really, really want this.

So, wish me luck. Hopefully this won't be like the training for the 5K, or the hCG diet, or the other ridiculous things that I've never followed through with. I'll hopefully update on the subject frequently to keep myself motivated.

Until then, have a happy week!

Monday, October 3, 2011

The Worth of Souls

Well, hello, strangers. Long time no see.

I've been kinda M.I.A. in the blog world. And not because I don't have a crazy awesome life to document, but because I have a crazy busy life, and actually living it leaves me little time to blog.
Which is fine by me.

So just a quick catch up on my life for those who care before we get to the actual post:

  • I'm sick constantly. Literally, constantly. And nobody knows why and tests don't seem to help come to a conclusion. So when I keel over and die before I'm 30, somebody please just make sure there's a life size cardboard cutout of me for people to take photos with in place of a casket at my funeral. Also, I'd like the funeral to be open mic. That is all. (On the plus side, eating anything really does make me feel like I'm dying, so I see some potential weight loss in the future. Cup half full, people!)
  •  I work 6 days a week. So yep..There's really nothing to be said about that. 
  • I gave up Dr. Pepper. And hell froze over. I also heard there were pigs flying in South America. But it's been 1 week and 2 days. Go me.
Ok, now onto the real stuff.
I was texting my really good friend Ryan the other night about some boy or another, and made a comment to the effect of,
"Yeah, but he'd never date me, I'm not cute enough."
(see, Ry and I have made it through a stupid amount of crap together, so I feel comfortable saying these things to him.)
(me and Ry. He's awesome and single, ladies.)
So Ryan, being the wise man that he is, called me immediately and told me to stop beating myself up.
And that I was better than that. And all of these nice things, that I wasn't really expecting.
It kind of hit me harder than it usually does when Ry tells me to stop being mean about his friend.

I usually brush it off.
Until last night, when I went to see The Joseph Smith movie in the visitor's center with my friend Jason. 
In a part of the movie, Joseph Smith stands and rebukes the men holding him prisoner, who are saying pretty vile things about the Mormons. 
He chastises them with this truth: 
"The worth of every soul is great in the sight of God."

And all of a sudden, I wanted to go hug and apologize to any person who I have ever said negative things about.
Then I stopped, and realized that I was one of those people.
My soul is great in the sight of God.
I would never look at somebody else and say that they were fat, or ugly, so why, as a child of God, should I treat myself any differently?

I know this post is different than my usual cynical rant, but I just want to share my testimony that God does love each and every one of us, despite our mistakes and flaws.
And I know that as we learn to love ourselves by recognizing our worth in the sight of God, 
our ability to love others will grow, and we will have happiness in life.

So, find a reason to love yourself today. And I will too. 

Have a happy week.