Tuesday, December 27, 2011

So this is the new year..

I'm not usually one for New Year's resolutions. The way I see it, if I'm going to resolve to change, or to do something spectacular, I shouldn't wait for a specific day to do so.

Yet as the end of the year comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on this past year, and letting my imagination wander to what I want next year to bring.

I know that I want 2012 to be starkly different from 2011. I spent much of this year in a daze, trying to sort things out and learning to live a life I never thought I'd know. I know that the topic of my divorce is a tired one and you're all probably as sick as I am of beating the dead horse. But it would be impossible to illustrate why and how 2012 will differ from this year without bringing it up. A large part of my life centered around that particular event this year. And I don't resent that. It was necessary.

But it's time to move on.

A quote I read on twitter today sums up perfectly the manner in which I wish to live my life this upcoming year:

"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be." -Elizabeth Gilbert

I'm ready to be my crazy, happy self again-perhaps a {very} refined version of the high school Heidi that would do anything on a dare, sing without caring who could hear, and did anything for a laugh.
 In 2012, as cliche as this will sound, I just want to live. I don't want to look back, like I am now, and wish that I had just paid the $50 to see that band I've always wanted to see. I want to make as many friends as possible, and go on last minute trips to Disneyland. I want to look back at this second chance I have to be a single young adult, and say, "That divorce may have been hell, but I sure had a lot of freaking good times to make up for it."

David Bowie said it best:
 Have a happy new year.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

A family poem.

Every year at Christmas, my dad writes a peom about the things the family did that year.
So far he hasn't, so here's my rendition. Merry Christmas!

Twas the night before Christmas, and in the Selover zoo,
Every creature was stirring- yes, even the Moo.

The presents were wrapped, the stockings laid out,
While everyone did last minute running about.

As always, Christmas is a time to reflect
On the things this year brought that we'll never forget.

Bob and Jan can be found in the ward on the reservation,
Almost daily they serve with no hesitation.

In fact, they spend so much time at the Papago Ward,
They're hardly ever home, there's no time to be bored.

Jeff still works away at good old UPS,
And he cut off his hair, every beautiful tress.

Jolene tends the bar at a local hotel,
She left Cosmo Prof, no more working in Hell.

Marley's growing so fast, and likes to bite.
But she's just so cute, that keep her, we might.

She answers to lots, but mostly the Moo,
We can't wait till October, when she'll already be 2.

Sam's almost finished with ultrasound classes,
When he's all done, he'll x-ray the masses.

Holly works at Jo Ann's, and makes a whole lot of crafts,
How creative she is will leave you aghast.

Heidi spends lots of time both at work and at play,
And has moved a few times, since divorce came her way.

The best news is we haven't killed each other yet,
Here's to hoping 2012 is a year free of regrets.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Rambling.

I have been a horrible blogger as of late. There are topics swimming around in my head constantly, but as soon as I sit down to write, my mind just goes blank. It's unfortunate.

So we'll see where this post goes.

There are only 9 days until Christmas, people. NINE FREAKING DAYS. Needless to say, I'm nowhere near prepared. And I really have no excuse, since the number of gifts I'm buying this year was largely reduced due to the lack of husband/in-laws.

I would be lying if I said that this first year facing the holidays as a divorcee hasn't been hard. I've been surrounded by good friends and family, and constantly busy with activities, work, and Christmas parties. But I still feel like something is missing.

Christmas time last year was strained. It felt forced. We bought each other great presents, and spent time with our respective families, but I knew the feeling wasn't there. I feel like we both tried to put some effort in, and I'm grateful to my ex husband for knowing that Christmas and holidays mean a lot to me and for trying, throughout our issues.

I've found myself wondering recently if perhaps going through the motions in a far from happy marriage isn't better than wishing you weren't alone for the holidays. Now, I know this is faulty logic. I only wonder these things late at night, or while celebrating with friends who all happen to be married.

And although the previous sentiment might say otherwise, I feel like I'm finally at the point that I'm really ok and ready to move on. I've been thinking about divorce in general a lot more than usual lately, partly because of the holidays, and as I have good friends that are dealing with the pain of it.

I've come to the conclusion that all divorce stems from selfishness, on one or both parts. Feel free to argue that all you want, but in the circumstances I've been in, and have seen, that's the underlying problem. And I don't necessarily mean selfishness in the way that you don't love the other person, or that you don't want them to be happy. I suppose the kind of selfishness to which I'm referring is more made up of omissions-failure to act on improving a situation, perhaps because you don't know that what the other person needs is different from what you think is right. Or perhaps because you think that your partner should want and need attention in the way that you are willing to give. I'll be the first to admit that I'm guilty of both these things. It seems, though, that when a marriage has been suffering through this for too long, that people just give up. And honestly, nothing makes me more sad.

When it comes down to it, that's what I've decided marriage is: stepping outside of yourself and offering selflessly what the other person needs, whether you understand it or not, and even though it's the hardest thing to do some days.

And I really hope that someday, whether it's next year or in twenty years, I can find a marriage like that. And I hope that my ex husband does too.

We all deserve to be happy.

Sorry that this post was all over the place. I'm a little scatter brained today. (ok, every day.)
Hopefully it made sense, and was not taken in the wrong way by anybody.


Anyway...Bye!