Thursday, August 23, 2012

Hope.

I've been a wreck lately. That's something almost nobody knows, unless they're more observant than I give them credit for. I haven't been able to step outside of myself and ask for help from the people that would readily give it to me. But I'm putting it out there for the world wide web to see. I'M A FREAKING WRECK.

Life is hard when you're a twentysomething divorcee, with no college background, making $5 dollars less an hour than you need to live, with a car that breaks down every other weekend and friendships that break as quickly as they were formed. Oh, and let's not forget the 8 different forms of social media that are so full of "friends" and "followers" to remind me of how much less successful than them I am at 23. And dating? Like, what is that? I don't even know, cause I can't remember the last time I did it. 

I just found this article, though (be warned, it has a few swear words), and I'm pretty sure the author wrote it just to slap me in the face and tell me to wake up and fight for my life. (Granted, right before it, I read an article called "15 Ways to Ruin Your Twenties, and just about threw something when I realized I could check off about 12 of them.) Regardless, here's a passage that stood out to me, and that I desperately need to tattoo onto my brain:

"We’re not stuck. Even if it feels like we are, it’s not true. We’re the opposite of stuck. As twentysomethings, we’re constantly moving — apartments, relationship, cities, jobs. Anything is possible. People are ready for you. They want to hear what you have to say. They look at you and are curious about what words are going to come out of your mouth. You’re the new generation. What do you have to say? Don’t bite your tongue. One day you’ll be pushed aside for a younger “fresher” perspective so you better get it out now. Make a mark. Make a stain. Make something.

I want to remember the fear, I want to remember the promise, I want to remember the nights I wanted to curl up in a ball, I want to remember the people I’m not supposed to remember, I want to remember not knowing myself, I want to remember the moment I started to feel safe and like this life I’m leading is really mine. I’m going to be scared, I’m going to bruise my knees and not know how they got there, I’m going to try to fruitlessly forge a connection with someone who won’t ever get it, I’m going to lose the person that means the most to me and find my way back to them. I’m going to be a twentysomething because that’s what I am and all I know how to be.  And you should too. You should love every single moment of this hot mess of a decade. Chances are you’ll miss it before you even get to say “I’m 30.”"

Guys, maybe he's right. Maybe I am a hot mess. (Ok, no "maybe", I am.) Maybe I'll stay a hot mess for the next ten years, and it will take me that long to figure out who I am and what I'm supposed to do with my life. Maybe I won't get to travel Europe, or go to Disneyland whenever I want, or buy a new car, because let's face it-I can barely pay rent. But maybe that's okay. Maybe one day, (huge emphasis on the maybe), I'll be remarried with kids, and look back on this time of uncertainty with fondness.

He struck a nerve when he said "We're not stuck." "Stuck" is the word I always use to describe how I feel. I think I've used the word more times in the last 6 months than I have in my life.

I crave stability and progress, where there seems to be none. I crave a solid relationship, a house to call home for longer than 6 months, and a job I know I'll love and stay at forever. (And a cushy bank account, but let's not crazy, geez.)  Could it be that it's time to realize that there will be plenty of time for that when I'm older, and to stop trying to rush my life along, when it's not ready to be rushed? I think it's time to be OK with the fact that I don't fit the mold of most twentysomething LDS girls, who get (and stay) married young, have babies, and a successful, loving husband. You know the mold I'm talking about, and as much as you want to deny it-it's there. It's not a bad thing, it's just not where I'm at. (And if you're about to comment that I'm only 23, and I could still fit that mold, just don't.)

Perhaps I've been taking for granted that what seems like "stuck" could be an opportunity to shape my attitude and form new relationships. To have fun, and stay up late for once on a week night, because I'M 23 SO WHY NOT. I don't know if I will. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, or the next day. But for right now, I feel just a little less stuck, and a little bit more ok with the fact that this is what my twenties are for-"discovering which things hurt you and what makes you feel good. You go in blindly, practically pricking yourself with a dull blade, and then you walk out with tougher skin. One day you’ll stop pricking yourself altogether...This is what your twenties are for-to feel and see as much as you can, to take advantage of not being tied down to anything and anyone..."

Here's to being a hot mess, and embracing it. Cheers.