Happily Heidi

two thousand twelve and a trip

2012-01-05T09:57:00.000-08:00

Remember how my new years resolution was to enjoy life more? And really to just be more fun? DONE.

On New Years Eve, I bought a cute new sweater and got ready to go to a few parties I'd been invited to. I ended up staying at my friends house all night and didn't go to a single one.

I woke up the next day, and got ready for church, and couldn't stop thinking about how lame I was the night before, and how that completely contradicted everything I wrote about in my last post. I sent my friend Mallory a text, "I wish we could do something crazy today."

She texted back right away, "Like ditch church and go to Disneyland??" This is why she's my best friend.

After a short conversation via text that consisted of her trying to convince me to really go, and me making up excuses, I finally bit the bullet, changed out of my dress, sent my mom a text that I was leaving, threw a change of clothes in a duffle bag, and we left.

{cell phone picture on the highway, don't judge}

I had to be back for work on Tuesday, so Disneyland was out of the question. Our hotel was literally half a mile away. So close, yet so far. My heart wept a little bit. But we settled for some overpriced pizza and ice cream in Downtown Disney for dinner.

The next morning, we headed out to Rodeo Drive. {I took a couple of classes from the owner of a salon there, and have wanted to go ever since.} It was pretty much everything I dreamed of and more. We stopped and got manicures at a little shop.

Everybody that knows me knows I have an obsession with cupcakes, so when we passed this shop, I insisted that we stop.

{I got the cupcake on the left just because it was named Elvis. It was banana and peanut butter, which was Elvis' favorite sandwich.}

I saved the Elvis cupcake for my mom, and ate the brownie cheesecake one. I'm not lying when I say it surpasses any cupcake I have ever tasted in my entire life. And I've tried a lot of cupcakes in a lot of different places. If you're ever in LA, GO. (Or order one online, here.)

{that's my new sweater. I love it more than I've ever loved an article of clothing.}

We stopped at Desert Hills Outlet Stores on the way back, and I got two ridiculously cute Volcom purses and a Volcom wallet for $35 dollars.

Although the trip was only 30 hours, it was just what I needed to kick off 2012 and make me even more excited for what this year can bring.

So this is the new year..

2011-12-27T12:37:00.000-08:00

I'm not usually one for New Year's resolutions. The way I see it, if I'm going to resolve to change, or to do something spectacular, I shouldn't wait for a specific day to do so.

Yet as the end of the year comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on this past year, and letting my imagination wander to what I want next year to bring.

I know that I want 2012 to be starkly different from 2011. I spent much of this year in a daze, trying to sort things out and learning to live a life I never thought I'd know. I know that the topic of my divorce is a tired one and you're all probably as sick as I am of beating the dead horse. But it would be impossible to illustrate why and how 2012 will differ from this year without bringing it up. A large part of my life centered around that particular event this year. And I don't resent that. It was necessary.

But it's time to move on.

A quote I read on twitter today sums up perfectly the manner in which I wish to live my life this upcoming year:

"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be." -Elizabeth Gilbert

I'm ready to be my crazy, happy self again-perhaps a {very} refined version of the high school Heidi that would do anything on a dare, sing without caring who could hear, and did anything for a laugh.

In 2012, as cliche as this will sound, I just want to live. I don't want to look back, like I am now, and wish that I had just paid the $50 to see that band I've always wanted to see. I want to make as many friends as possible, and go on last minute trips to Disneyland. I want to look back at this second chance I have to be a single young adult, and say, "That divorce may have been hell, but I sure had a lot of freaking good times to make up for it."

David Bowie said it best:

Have a happy new year.

A family poem.

2011-12-24T22:32:00.000-08:00

Every year at Christmas, my dad writes a peom about the things the family did that year.
So far he hasn't, so here's my rendition. Merry Christmas!

Twas the night before Christmas, and in the Selover zoo,
Every creature was stirring- yes, even the Moo.

The presents were wrapped, the stockings laid out,
While everyone did last minute running about.

As always, Christmas is a time to reflect
On the things this year brought that we'll never forget.

Bob and Jan can be found in the ward on the reservation,
Almost daily they serve with no hesitation.

In fact, they spend so much time at the Papago Ward,
They're hardly ever home, there's no time to be bored.

Jeff still works away at good old UPS,
And he cut off his hair, every beautiful tress.

Jolene tends the bar at a local hotel,
She left Cosmo Prof, no more working in Hell.

Marley's growing so fast, and likes to bite.
But she's just so cute, that keep her, we might.

She answers to lots, but mostly the Moo,
We can't wait till October, when she'll already be 2.

Sam's almost finished with ultrasound classes,
When he's all done, he'll x-ray the masses.

Holly works at Jo Ann's, and makes a whole lot of crafts,
How creative she is will leave you aghast.

Heidi spends lots of time both at work and at play,
And has moved a few times, since divorce came her way.

The best news is we haven't killed each other yet,
Here's to hoping 2012 is a year free of regrets.

Rambling.

2011-12-15T13:08:00.000-08:00

I have been a horrible blogger as of late. There are topics swimming around in my head constantly, but as soon as I sit down to write, my mind just goes blank. It's unfortunate.

So we'll see where this post goes.

There are only 9 days until Christmas, people. NINE FREAKING DAYS. Needless to say, I'm nowhere near prepared. And I really have no excuse, since the number of gifts I'm buying this year was largely reduced due to the lack of husband/in-laws.

I would be lying if I said that this first year facing the holidays as a divorcee hasn't been hard. I've been surrounded by good friends and family, and constantly busy with activities, work, and Christmas parties. But I still feel like something is missing.

Christmas time last year was strained. It felt forced. We bought each other great presents, and spent time with our respective families, but I knew the feeling wasn't there. I feel like we both tried to put some effort in, and I'm grateful to my ex husband for knowing that Christmas and holidays mean a lot to me and for trying, throughout our issues.

I've found myself wondering recently if perhaps going through the motions in a far from happy marriage isn't better than wishing you weren't alone for the holidays. Now, I know this is faulty logic. I only wonder these things late at night, or while celebrating with friends who all happen to be married.

And although the previous sentiment might say otherwise, I feel like I'm finally at the point that I'm really ok and ready to move on. I've been thinking about divorce in general a lot more than usual lately, partly because of the holidays, and as I have good friends that are dealing with the pain of it.

I've come to the conclusion that all divorce stems from selfishness, on one or both parts. Feel free to argue that all you want, but in the circumstances I've been in, and have seen, that's the underlying problem. And I don't necessarily mean selfishness in the way that you don't love the other person, or that you don't want them to be happy. I suppose the kind of selfishness to which I'm referring is more made up of omissions-failure to act on improving a situation, perhaps because you don't know that what the other person needs is different from what you think is right. Or perhaps because you think that your partner should want and need attention in the way that you are willing to give. I'll be the first to admit that I'm guilty of both these things. It seems, though, that when a marriage has been suffering through this for too long, that people just give up. And honestly, nothing makes me more sad.

When it comes down to it, that's what I've decided marriage is: stepping outside of yourself and offering selflessly what the other person needs, whether you understand it or not, and even though it's the hardest thing to do some days.

And I really hope that someday, whether it's next year or in twenty years, I can find a marriage like that. And I hope that my ex husband does too.

We all deserve to be happy.

Sorry that this post was all over the place. I'm a little scatter brained today. (ok, every day.)
Hopefully it made sense, and was not taken in the wrong way by anybody.

Anyway...Bye!

Is that cake??

2011-11-28T10:36:00.001-08:00

I don't know about anybody else, but this about sums up my Thanksgiving weekend:

Except it was more like,

"Oh snap, is that stuffing??"

"Oh snap, is that pecan pie??"

"Oh snap, is that cornbread??"

"Oh snap, are those mashed potatoes, that I don't even like but am going to shove into my face anyway??"

All. Weekend. Long.

But it's back on the bandwagon today.

The rest of my weekend consisted of our yearly Thanksgiving trip to the zoo, where my brother had me pose with the giant metal monkey for my family picture. (since I'm the only child without my own family unit. real funny, huh?)

Doesn't Marley look thrilled?

We saw The Muppets, and I pretty much giggled with delight the whole movie.

If you haven't seen it, do so immediately.

I crafted with my friend, Tjanna.We hit up the local Goodwill, and made some necklace/scarves out of old men's t-shirts. I made this black and white one, and a grey, white, and mustard one. Thank you for the idea, Pinterest.

(If you attempt this project, either be smarter than I am, and Google a tutorial first thing, or have a bottle of Xanax ready.)

Time was spent with friends and family, shopping, meeting new people, having a fire, going out to dinner, sleeping in, dipping our feet in the hot tub, lots of visiting and laughing, cutting hair, and wishing that Monday would never come.

But it did. And I may or may not have cursed my alarm clock this morning.

On a completely different note, one of my favorite traditions in my family is our Thanksgiving tablecloth. Each year, we lay out the same cloth tablecloth, with a handful of Sharpies, and whoever comes to dinner that year writes what they're thankful for.

It's fun to look back and see what we were thankful for in the past 10 years since the tradition started. I just love it.

What's your favorite holiday tradition?

Blessed

2011-11-22T14:41:00.001-08:00

(*Disclaimer* This goes along the same lines of my last post. That was completely unintentional)

It's that time of year. The time of year where everybody in the blog/Facebook world post the things that they are grateful for. So, here goes.

This year has been the worst year of my life. I could say that there have been ups and downs, which would be true. But the downs have outweighed the ups by a large percentage. I've been trying to think so hard about what I'm grateful for this year. At first, I drew a huge blank. For days, I've struggled to find something about this year that I could thank my Heavenly Father for.

And then suddenly, it struck me how blessed I have been through, and because of this trial.

I'm grateful for parents who held me while I cried, packed up my things for me, drove me to Utah and back because I couldn't handle Mesa anymore. I'm grateful for a mom who, when I stumbled across wedding pictures or memories I hadn't destroyed yet, silently took them out of the room, and came back without them. I always knew that my parents loved me. But after everything they've been through with me, I have a better idea of just how much.

I am grateful for friends that talked to me on the phone for hours, even though they live states away.

I am grateful for Mallory, who doesn't hate me when I get mad at her because I'm hangry. (Angry hunger. it's the worst), who has completely different points of view than me, but loves me anyway and teaches me that it's ok to not see eye to eye, and who wears the same size clothes and dresses me when I feel less than cute.

I am grateful for Kelsey and Heather, who are my two biggest fans, and I am theirs. Without them coming to stay the night with me in my empty apartment, having dance parties and picnics in the park, I would have gone crazy.

I am grateful for my sense of humor.

I am grateful that I have things I'm passionate about, even though they're as silly as cupcakes and my favorite band.

I am grateful for people who took me in-members of my ward who offered me a room to live in, my Aunt who selflessly let me move in with her after that, a hilarious group of friends who, without knowing it, helped me feel like myself again.

And even though I hate divorce, and still have a day every now and again where the word seems to weigh me down. I am grateful that it happened. And no, I'm not just saying that to seem like I'm so positive. I'm still cynical. I still wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

But I am grateful that I learned that I am stronger than I thought and that I have a Savior who loves me and has atoned for my sins. I am grateful that I don't have to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me. I am grateful that I have the choice to be happy, regardless of my marital status, weight, or financial situation.

No, I don't always remember these things and feel this way, despite how much I try to.
But 'tis the season.

So today, I am grateful.

Happy

2011-11-11T08:04:00.001-08:00

Well, hello there. As usual, long time, no see. What can I say, I'm a busy girl.

And I wish I could say that I was preoccupied with horribly exciting things, but I'm not.

It's just the usual-two jobs, church, church calling, gym, wishing I was eating sugar so that I could have hot chocolate, surfing Pinterest, learning to Zumba (and being bad at it), spending time with friends that need me, celebrating other friends birthdays, doing hair on nights I don't usually do hair, choir, etc.

Yikes.

But can we just talk about things that have made me super happy lately? Well, we're going to.

1. Last weekend, my friend Gage introduced me to Lolo's Chicken and Waffles. And I am forever indebted to him for that. Ok, I know it's not on my eating plan..but I only had half a waffle. And seriously, Kool-Aid in Mason jars?? Soul food at it's finest. If you live anywhere near Scottsdale, go. Now. Afterwards, we went to an improv comedy theater, which I was slightly skeptical about, but it ended up being hilarious. So good thinking, Gage.

2. Zevia and PerfectBerry Rockstar keep me sane now that I've been off of DP for a month. (feel free to applaud me.) They're both sugar/aspartame/carb free! Did you know I'm allergic to aspartame? Welp, I am. Which makes eating sugar free kind of hellish, because everything has aspartame. So when I found Zevia at a vitamin shop, I literally let out a squeal of joy. Now, I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it's taste is even close to the nectar of the gods (Dr. Pepper.). But if it's this or nothing, I'll take it. (And the Rockstar is delicious, and comes with a cute little straw. Win/Win.)

3. This girl is back!

My best friend moved back from Idaho. Let's be honest, I would too-I'm sitting here freezing and it's 60 degrees outside. Idaho sounds like hell right now. Mallory's the kind of best friend that gives me a present on her birthday (A cupcake coin bank. Hi. Love it.), listens to my rants about men, gives me advice I don't want to hear but usually need, eats healthy with me, cheats on diets with me (but we're being good now), and is always there for me, even when I go crazy and sometimes get frustrated with silly things. Hey, it happens. Moral of the story: I'm SO happy she's home.

4. Marley. Always Marley.

PS. If you're curious about how my journey to get healthy is going, go here.

November

2011-11-01T09:23:00.000-07:00

Happy November, friends.

I'm not going to lie, I've been dreading these holidaymonths. Last year I was married. The year before, I got engaged onThanksgiving. And I never thought I'd be single this year.

So, I'm not sure how this season will go. I know I'll be happyto be with family and friends. I know I'll still enjoy giving gifts anddecorating cookies.

But I already feel like something's missing. And being theonly single one in my immediate family at all of the inevitable holiday events couldprove to be a struggle.

But I'm going to hold my head up, and smile. Because ifthere's one thing I'm really good at, it's smiling.

I've decided to set a list of goals for the month ofNovember to give me something positive to focus on and strive for.

1. Finish at least one awesome craft that I can be proud of.I already have several ideas. Thank you, Pinterest.

2. Take any opportunity I can to perform service.

3. Read some form of scripture every day.

4. Continue to eat healthy/work out at least 4 times a week.(down 4.3 pounds in the last two weeks, son!)

5. Read one new book. Suggestions, anyone?

6. Purchase plane ticket to Utah for my friends wedding inDecember. Yes, I'm accepting donations.

I think it shall be a great month after all.

I never finish anyth

2011-10-17T21:08:00.000-07:00

Life has been grand lately. I keep extremely busy, I have great friends, I just got a new calling in the Fellowshipping committee. I've been to the zoo, Out of Africa and Jerome in the past week and a half, celebrated my favorite (and only) niece's first birthday, and life has been extremely happy. I'm even off of my depression medicine.

But there is still that one thing nagging at the back of my mind...the need to lose weight and feel better about myself.

We all struggle with this at some point in our lives. I know I'm not alone. But it's gotten to the point that I can't handle it anymore.

So I devised a plan. I won't go into the extent of it, but let's just say it excludes any sugar/bread and includes more protein and vegetables than I've ever consumed. And I'm really pumped about this.

Today was my first day and I didn't even kill anybody. In fact, I've been off Dr. Pepper for a whole three weeks (ok, I cheated once), but I didn't die. So my confidence in myself is growing and so is my excitement.

But in the back of my mind, I'm full of doubt. Here's why:
I have a beautiful, lovely, smart, and observant 15 year old cousin. A few months ago she said to me, after I changed the song in the car 30 seconds before it ended (as I always do),

"Heidi, you NEVER finish anything you start."

(I saw this picture on pinterest and thought of myself.)

I was kind of mad, so I argued that such a statement was indeed false. In short, she won that argument.

I realized that she was completely right. I DON'T finish anything I start. I can't even do the dishes without getting bored halfway through, which gives me anxiety, so I stop.

The only thing I've ever finished in life is school. And the occasional book. I didn't even finish my marriage. (People try to tell me that doesn't really apply, the circumstances were different. But it matters to me.)

So I'm terrified that I'm going to quit. Which is even worse than failing.
It's ironic that the fear of quitting may be the thing to make me quit.
But I really, really want this.

So, wish me luck. Hopefully this won't be like the training for the 5K, or the hCG diet, or the other ridiculous things that I've never followed through with. I'll hopefully update on the subject frequently to keep myself motivated.

Until then, have a happy week!

The Worth of Souls

2011-10-03T13:54:00.000-07:00

Well, hello, strangers. Long time no see.

I've been kinda M.I.A. in the blog world. And not because I don't have a crazy awesome life to document, but because I have a crazy busy life, and actually living it leaves me little time to blog.

Which is fine by me.

So just a quick catch up on my life for those who care before we get to the actual post:

I'm sick constantly. Literally, constantly. And nobody knows why and tests don't seem to help come to a conclusion. So when I keel over and die before I'm 30, somebody please just make sure there's a life size cardboard cutout of me for people to take photos with in place of a casket at my funeral. Also, I'd like the funeral to be open mic. That is all. (On the plus side, eating anything really does make me feel like I'm dying, so I see some potential weight loss in the future. Cup half full, people!)

I work 6 days a week. So yep..There's really nothing to be said about that.

I gave up Dr. Pepper. And hell froze over. I also heard there were pigs flying in South America. But it's been 1 week and 2 days. Go me.

Ok, now onto the real stuff.

I was texting my really good friend Ryan the other night about some boy or another, and made a comment to the effect of,

"Yeah, but he'd never date me, I'm not cute enough."

(see, Ry and I have made it through a stupid amount of crap together, so I feel comfortable saying these things to him.)

(me and Ry. He's awesome and single, ladies.)

So Ryan, being the wise man that he is, called me immediately and told me to stop beating myself up.

And that I was better than that. And all of these nice things, that I wasn't really expecting.

It kind of hit me harder than it usually does when Ry tells me to stop being mean about his friend.

I usually brush it off.

Until last night, when I went to see The Joseph Smith movie in the visitor's center with my friend Jason.

In a part of the movie, Joseph Smith stands and rebukes the men holding him prisoner, who are saying pretty vile things about the Mormons.

He chastises them with this truth:

"The worth of every soul is great in the sight of God."

And all of a sudden, I wanted to go hug and apologize to any person who I have ever said negative things about.

Then I stopped, and realized that I was one of those people.

My soul is great in the sight of God.

I would never look at somebody else and say that they were fat, or ugly, so why, as a child of God, should I treat myself any differently?

I know this post is different than my usual cynical rant, but I just want to share my testimony that God does love each and every one of us, despite our mistakes and flaws.

And I know that as we learn to love ourselves by recognizing our worth in the sight of God,

our ability to love others will grow, and we will have happiness in life.

So, find a reason to love yourself today. And I will too.

Have a happy week.

Surprise!

2011-09-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

I rarely blog about the day to day happenings in my life. So surprise! I'm going to. Right now.
Meet Erica.

I first met Erica , on July 4th this year after her husband Brad's sister invited me to come celebrate the day with their group of friends.

I don't know how it happened, but we became really good friends, really quickly.

Maybe it's because she's also been divorced, and let's be honest, I feel a different connection with fellow divorcees.

Or maybe it's because we're both awesome.

Point is, I've gotten quite close to her and her husband Brad. (And this is unrelated, but they have the cutest kid in the world.)

They planned me an awesome birthday party.

I spend at least one night a week laying on their couch watching movies, drinking Rockstars, and sharing my most recent crazy dating stories.

So when Erica got in a bad accident, totaling her car, and landing in the ICU, two weeks before her birthday, I was very sad.

And when our friend Tanner suggested we throw her a surprise welcome home/get well/birthday party, no wasn't an option.

So...long story not really short, we did. And it was awesome.
Friday night, I colored and cut Erica's hair and we bought her a new dress for her birthday date with Brad...While they were gone, I "babysat."
Ok, I really did baby sit. But mainly, it was just a ploy for them to be gone so that Tanner could come over and "help" decorate while we waited for the friends to come.

She was quite surprised, and all in all, I'd say it was a success.

I made these awesome smores cupcakes, that I'm extremely proud of:

And we played a game and spent hours entertaining ourselves. The group is quite good at that.

(This picture was taken at the end of the night after a few people had filtered out. These are pretty much the regulars. Minus the bag of Doritos. He never comes to anything. Party pooper.)

So, that was my Saturday night! I'm so grateful for good friends!

(PS. Shameless bragging-but go check out Erica's blog. She's pretty much the most talented artist I know. The Disney mural she did? freaking amazes me every time. If you need anything painted, she's the person to call.)

The end!

What Not To Say

2011-09-13T12:44:00.001-07:00

Lately I've had a couple of conversations with some friends that left me thinking.

When something sad or tragic happens, there are things people say with the intention of helping, or sounding sympathetic. However, a lot of these phrases are more likely to hurt than help. Since the divorce, I've been on the receiving end of several of these comments. So I'm here to express my opinion on what NOT to say. Unless of course, your intent is to offend. Then throw these bad boys out every chance you get.

When somebody goes through a bad break up/divorce:

#1: "You deserve better than him/her anyway."

Ok, maybe it's true. Maybe they DO deserve better.
I'm sure people say this as a form of a compliment, or perhaps to instill hope that something better will come along.

Guess what though? You might as well be pouring salt in the wound.

When that statement falls on the ears of somebody who is freshly hurt, vulnerable, emotional, and more than likely retaining feelings for the ex, it comes across as an insult along the lines of:

"Your ex sucks and doesn't deserve you."

And let's face it nobody wants to hear that about somebody they were very recently in a relationship with, whether they don't deserve you or not.

#2: "Oh, your ex is definitely gay."

EXCUSE ME?! Now, I'm not saying whether or not this has or hasn't been said to me. But I will tell you that it was said to a close friend of mine after her divorce. I know, it's almost unbelievable that people have the gall to say such a thing to a recently separated person. (And that's coming from me, one of the most blunt people I know.)

First of all, even if you HAVE PROOF that the person's ex is gay-it's not your business. Second of all, the times that I've heard this was said (and there have been many), there was no way to back-up the claim. It's rude. End of story.

And if somebody said that about MY ex, I'd drop kick them in the face.

{disclaimer: I don't have a problem with gay people, at all. I just think it's a little overly ridiculous to call somebody gay just because they left their wife.}

When somebody passes away:

Now, this is a more serious topic, and I don't take it lightly at all. I've never had somebody close to me pass away, and I feel heartbroken for those who do. My friend, who had a close friend die in an accident, and I were talking about a saying we hate, and that is:

"It was their time to go."

I understand that this could help some people feel comforted. But to paraphrase my friend, that means that we have a God up in Heaven, who stands there every day, and says, "I want him, her, and him today." I can see how that would make somebody be angry at God for the passing of a loved one, and give Him the blame.
I firmly believe that God does have a plan for us, and that He wants us to come and live with Him again. But I also believe that we have free agency, that others choices effect us.

When somebody passes away in an accident, or by taking their own life, I don't know that I would find comfort in hearing that it was just their time to go. But that's just my perspective.

Ok, moving on.

When somebody has gained weight:

"You should start going to the gym."

I don't care how sweetly you say it, how much sugar you coat it with-to somebody that's gained weight and is feeling very aware of that weight gain, THAT'S JUST A SLAP IN THE FACE.

You might as well say, "I noticed you're fat, you gonna do something about that?"

Ouch. (I'll just straight up say I'm speaking from experience on this one.)

Well, I think that about wraps up this episode of What Not To Say.

If you have anything to add to the list, I'm sure we'd all love to hear it. :)

Oregon in pictures

2011-09-07T18:43:00.001-07:00

Oregon was amazing. The weather was gorgeous-it didn't rain once. I spent a large part of the weekend (that wasn't spend doing wedding things)in a Words With Friends battle with Taylor's cousin Gage-turns out we are both allergic to Oregon.

It was so nice to get away and spend time with new friends and some people that I consider family. So without further ado, here is my trip in pictures:

(keep in mind, I am not a photographer, nor do I claim to be.)

{my new red hair}

{Portland temple}

{Enough said.}

{Me and Tay}

{VooDoo Dougnuts. Heaven}

{With Taylor's sister, Kate, at the wedding}

{Nicole and Taylor}

{Sparklers with Max-in person he looks exactly like Josh Groban}

{Rehearsal dinner with Gage}

{Home with my girls}

In case you didn't know, Oregon is a very different place than Arizona..Let's just say I've never seen more Toms, beanies, signs to "Be Green", hippies, or homeless people making out in my life.

I made a lot of jokes about Portlandians..and refused to shower so that I could fit in and conserve water and energy. But it was all in good fun. I loved every second.

Anybody know other places I need to see next time I'm in Oregon??

An award!

2011-08-30T15:01:00.000-07:00

The beautiful Sara at Struggling Happiness nominated me for this:

Apparently there are rules to accepting an award in blog land. Who knew?
They are as follows:

Thank the person for the award.

Dear Sara,
From the bottom of my heart I would like to thank you gifting me with this Versatile Blogger award, therefore reinforcing in my head that I am awesome.
You are even more awesome.
Love, Heidi

Share 7 things about myself. (because I KNOW none of you could possibly be tired of hearing me talk about myself.) So here goes:

1. In west Philadelphia, born and raised, on a playground is where I spent most of my days...ok, so maybe not. But I love pretending I can rap. Nicki Minaj may or may not be my new idol, even though she's sick-nasty.

2. Sometimes people say I'm unintentionally mean. But if somebody is chewing loudly in my ear, or looks like a creeper with a mustache, I'm going to tell them. So sue me.

3. I'm attempting to replicate this color in my hair again. What say you?

4. I very frequently use the term, "I'm going to punch somebody in the face." Apparently people think I'm REALLY violent and would actually do this. Just to take the opportunity to clarify: I've never punched anybody's face in my life. But the next person who takes me seriously may be the first.

5. When I go on a date with a man, I immediately do the iPod test. (without telling him what I'm doing, of course.) If he doesn't have at LEAST one of the following bands on his iPod, I'm more likely to question our compatibility: Brand New, Motion City Soundtrack, Weezer, Taking Back Sunday.
(Yes, I'm that crazy about my music.)

6. Kids generally hate me. Teenagers, on the other hand, LOVE me. Which is fine by me, because I tend to have mutual feelings. (Sorry, kids.)

7. I'm leaving to Oregon tomorrow morning to see this guy get married!

I can't wait to get out of this freaking heat.

OK, next rule is to nominate 5 people for this award!

I choose you, Pikachu! (I've actually never watched Pokemon in my life.)

These are the chosen ones:

Mallory @ Thoroughly Modern Mallory
Olive @ Little Lost Olive
Kylee @ A Seahorse and Her Moonfish
Alexandria @ Always Alexandria
Ashley @ This is My Story

(Blogger isn't letting me link to their blogs...sad day.)

Well, catch you on the flip side, AZ!

Life Lessons 101

2011-08-22T05:35:00.000-07:00

I learned several valuable life lessons over this past weekend, so I thought I'd share the wealth of knowledge I gained with you.

Lesson #1:

I can not bowl.

Really. I bowled a 40. In one game. A FORTY.
You may be asking yourself how this information is important. It's really not relevant to anybody's life but my own, actually. But perhaps it will help you in some small way feel better about yourself, because, let's be honest: nobody can suck at bowling worse than me. I also learned that I'm ok with failing. Maybe that's a huge character flaw, and I should be trying to improve when I fail miserably, but whatever. You can't win 'em all.

Lesson #2:

Eternal Marriage lessons in church don't bother me anymore.

This is huge.

Ever since my ex husband left, I haven't been able to sit through a lesson on marriage. It stings. It makes tears come out of my face. I generally have to leave, or bite my tongue to hold back from making some cynical comment. (Let's be honest, I have to bite my tongue during ANY lesson.)
When they announced that eternal marriage was the topic in Relief Society on Sunday, I immediately texted my best friend a text of rage (in all caps, mind you) about how stupid this topic is.
But I made it. I didn't feel anger. I didn't feel pain. The only time I wanted to punch somebody in the face was when a girl commented that the only reason for divorce is infidelity.
After the lesson, somebody asked me about my failed marriage and this was my answer:

I do not regret marrying my ex husband. I don't think that it was the wrong thing to do. I have always believed that two people can, and should, work things out to the best of their ability. I was willing to do that, and wanted to stay married. But the truth that I realized during the lesson was that, no matter the time, place, or person, the bottom line is that each of you have free agency. And in my situation, my ex husband did what he thought was right and used his free agency to leave.

But for the first time since the divorce, I realized this, and realized that I will be ok. And I am happy.

Moving on.

Lesson #3:

Single life is fun.

Seriously, maybe it's the new group of friends I've gotten myself into, or maybe it's just that I'm resurrecting the awesomeness in me that I lost for a while, but I am having a blast. And I'm realizing that even though loneliness sometimes hits me, I gots to make the best of what I have. And right now that's a whole lot of free time to do whatever I want. Word to your mother. (I just wanted to say that...)

The funny thing is, most of my friends in the group are married-which just reassures me that when I get married again, life doesn't have to cease being fun. (When I was married, it was all TV and movies.) Note to self: Marry somebody as crazy as me.

And there you have it, folks.

I'm quite delighted that the quality of my life is improving as my attitude does.

Death Vs. Divorce

2011-08-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, right after my ex husband left, one of my friend's husbands was killed in an accident, while she was almost due to have their first child.

I went to the funeral, and as I was hugging her afterwards, she said she was sorry about my divorce, and had heard that divorce was worse than death.

I don't remember how I responded outwardly, but in my head I was thinking, "Say whaaaat?!"

Since that day, I've thought about what she said a lot. Obviously, both situations suck, but would I rather have my husband die unexpectedly, or leave me?

The plus side to death is that you know your husband still loves you. He did not choose to leave you. You are not left wondering what is so wrong with you, that the person who vowed to be with you for eternity couldn't even last a year.

On the other hand, moving on and letting go would be so much more difficult for those reasons. I would have a harder time wanting to find and love somebody else, because the person that I loved who loved me back, would be waiting on the other side. But you don't want to spend the next 60 years alone either.

So, here is my question:

Obviously, you'd never choose either.
But if you had to..

Death or divorce?

Self Confi-dunce

2011-08-09T14:29:00.001-07:00

The past couple of weeks, I have been feeling extra down. All I want to do is sleep, and right when I look in the mirror in the morning, I begin my day by telling myself that I'm not worth it, that I'm not beautiful, that nobody will want me.

It's really quite destructive. I'm not saying this for the compliments-I'm simply informing you as a preface to the article I'm about to share.

I read it today when Zooey Deschanel shared it on Facebook, and the author is completely right. About everything.

Is it going to change my depression? Let's be honest, no. But I feel like maybe it can give me a glimmer of hope, or just a small push to take charge of my life and get out of this self destructive rut I'm in. I'll probably print it and keep it by my bed.

So, without further ado, please read and enjoy:

http://hellogiggles.com/self-confi-dunce

Ranting.

2011-08-01T13:51:00.000-07:00

First things first-I've noticed a few new followers, and I just wanted to say hi! New followers are always greatly appreciated and welcomed. I wish you all cupcakes and sunshine.

Ok, now on to the real bid-nez. (that's my gangster way of saying business. I'm from the hood, in case you didn't know.)

I'd like to preface my little rant today with a picture that made me giggle because, quite frankly, although it's ridiculous, the concept is essentially true.
(click on the picture to read the fine print..)

Holy crap on a cracker, where do I even begin?

I guess I've always been a bit of a realist. I don't romanticize things as much as the average girl. Sure, I may be a tad bit too cynical for my own good, especially after my vast experience in the "getting hurt" area..but FRICK.

I've learned a lot through those experiences, and I can tell you that one of the biggest problems that exists in the dating/relationship field is exemplified by that picture.

We wonder why we can't find relationships that last...why the perfect partner never comes along...And I am here to tell you that it is because of lists like that.

You want somebody that will let you put a check mark next to every cute little thing on that check list? Then marry a woman.

Here is what happens:
You get in a relationship. It is great. You are so lovey and happy, and do everything perfectly.

Then reality sets in. And guess what?

Your boyfriend isn't going to be perfect 100% of the time.
Your husband is going to say really stupid things when you're crying, because he's thinking logically, when you want him to be thinking emotionally with you.
It may come out that he really doesn't like to cuddle..and he was just humoring you during your courtship.

Your wife isn't going to look pretty first thing in the morning, and she's probably an ugly crier.
She's not going to want you-know-what all the time.
Eventually, she's going to get pregnant, and be moody, and get..dare I say it? STRETCH MARKS.

But in my imperfect and humble opinion, this is what makes relationships great...
The fact that nobody is perfect. Nobody is going to do exactly what you want, exactly when you want it. Men can not read minds, and women try too hard to.
We piss each other off and then make up. He's not loving enough, and she lays on the love more than he can handle sometimes.

But that is what is going to make us grow. Not a perfect checklist.

Obviously, I'm not the expert on relationships. I mean, hi, I'm divorced.
And maybe some people's relationships are as perfect as they make it out to be on their blog.. (ha. yeah right.)

My point is, ladies and gents, throw away your list of Mr./Ms. Perfect, because no relationship can be founded on that.

Because those things go away, and at the end of the day, you still have to love each other, not despite imperfections, but because of them.

Sounds better than dying alone, doesn't it? :)

Workin on my fitness. (again)

2011-07-27T14:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but 22 feels much older than 21.

21 still sounds young to me. It sounds more carefree and fun. 22 just sounds like I need to start growing up or something. And yeah right, like that's going to happen!

But I've been thinking a lot about things I do want to change this year to help me be happier with my life and who I am.

The first and foremost things is the one thing I always say I'm going to work on.

I need to get back to my pre wedding/divorce weight.

I want to feel cute again-and I don't mean my face. Cause come on, I love my face. But it's time to feel good about all of me.

So I got my two year pass to 24 Hour Fitness yesterday. Here's my game plan:
Monday: Kickboxing/Amped Abs at 5:30 pm
Tuesday: Light cardio/weight training
Wednesday: Kickboxing/Amped Abs at 5:30
Thursday: Light cardio/weight training
Friday: Zumba at 4:30 PM
Saturday: Body Pump at 9 AM on days I'm not at the salon
Keep me motivated, people!
Seriously, I want texts, tweets, comments, carrier pigeons...
Whatever you can do to get my butt to the gym.

2011-07-24T18:10:00.001-07:00

Seriously, it isn't even my birthday yet and I've had so much fun and been so blessed this weekend!

On Friday, my cousins/best friends Kelsey and Heather came over to give me my gifts. We baked rainbow cupcakes, and watched 3 consecutive hours of The Big Bang Theory. That is a good night in my book, my friends. The girls gave me a super cute cupcake necklace, and a tray to eat in bed that I wanted...Mostly because I love to paint my nails in bed. It's a nightly habit. I figured using that will help me be less likely to spill on my sheets. :)

On Saturday, my group of friends got together for a birthday get together that my awesome friend, Erica, planned. We went on a picture scavenger hunt, swam, watched lots of YouTube videos, ate lots of junk food, cake, and consumed amazing amounts of caffeine. Here are some pictures from our scavenger hunt...(this is just my team..not the whole group)

Today, my family had my Sunday birthday dinner. My brother and sister in law and Marley made me a cute candy bar poster and bought me a wallet that I wanted. Jo also made me a giant cupcake
.

Maybe 22 won't be so bad after all...

Happy birthday to me! (LONG post.)

2011-07-22T08:48:00.001-07:00

I'm turning 22 tomorrow! So to commemorate the occasion, I thought I'd share 22 of the most important facts there are to know about me.

1. I love cupcakes. I don't just mean in the way that everybody loves cupcakes..I mean, I'm completely obsesssed with them. If I could have a cupcake and a Dr. Pepper for every meal, I would. But then I would be morbidly obese. And I would be sad.

{ps. is it just me, or are my fingers creepily long in this picture? yikes.}

2. I'm adopted. Which I'm pretty sure makes me exponentially cooler than everybody else...totally kidding. But I often think about my birthmother this time of year, and wonder if she's thinking of me too. Luckily, I love my parents more than anything in this world and am so grateful for them.

3. I love singing in the car. So much that I will drive with no destination just to turn on my music and sing. While singing in the car, I'm known to use my cell phone or iPod as a fake microphone-I do this when I'm with people and alone.

4. My biggest fear is chickens, or any bird for that matter. But mostly chickens. My first biggest fear my whole life was divorce, but hey, I got past that, so maybe somebody should lock me in a chicken coop.

5. My dream car is a VW. Any kind will do, but convertible is preferred. I used to have one, and it was the happiest time of my life..

6. I am a water bottle brat. I don't drink out of cups, and if I'm forced to, I am exactly like thst girl from the movie Signs that leaves a good two inches of water left in the cup. It's a little bit ridiculous. I never leave the house without a bottle. Example: This lovely picture of my friend Sydney's wedding...Such a sweet picture until you notice what's in my hand. But it captures the real me, so it's all good.

7. Music is my religion. Mormonism? That's just a hobby. (totally kidding.) But seriously, I'm completely obsessed with good music, making music, and lyrics. I've also played the piano for 16ish years.

8. I talk too much and am far too open to people about my personal life. In case you hadn't caught on to that already..

9. I want to go back to school someday soon to become a cosmetology school instructor.

10. I honestly have the worst memory IN THE WORLD. You can literally tell me something, and 5 minutes later, I won't remember. I compare myself to Dory from Finding Nemo, and that comparison is in no way an exaggeration.

11. My dream in life is to be a hip hop dancer...Sadly, I have no dancing abilities at all. Somebody teach me?

12. I really don't believe in all that natural crap. If I'm sick, give me some freaking drugs.

13. There are three actresses I really can't stand-Angelina Jolie, Anne Hathaway, and Scarlett Johannsen. (I call them Angelina Jo-ugly, Anne Hathagay, and Scarlett Johooker.)

14. My sense of humor is very wrong and insenstive. I've been known to make "that's what she said" jokes more than the average human being.

15. That being said, Hot Rod is my all time favorite movie and I can quote every word.

16. I. Love. Voting. I don't even care about this issues so much, I just love to freaking VOTE.

17. I have a hard time saying no to anybody. I also feel guilty very easily, and tend to get sad about things that are out of my control. I once started crying in an Ihop because an old lady was eating dinner alone and I thought she was lonely. I made my exhusband buy her dinner.

18. My dream in life is to go to Africa and work in an orphanage or something. And hold a monkey.

19. Family and friends mean more to me than anything else. Some of my family are my best friends.

20. I have more male friends than female friends. I think it's because I don't do well with clingy people, or drama. Oh hi-that's 80% of the girls I know, probably including myself.

21. I tend to get very cocky about my piano playing and hair styling skills. But hey, if you've got it, flaunt it. I gotta have something going for me!

22. My cell phone has been attached to my hand since I was 16..Pretty sure I need cell phone rehab.

That's all! Not going to lie, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be to come up with all of that. But there you have it-the essentials of me.

Hope you enjoy my birthday as much as I will :)

Well, that didn't last long..

2011-07-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, maybe I slightly overreacted. I tend to do that on days when my anxiety peaks.

Yesterday, I was feeling very down about myself. I've been having difficulty lately recognizing any self worth.

When I went to see my counselor last night, I didn't tell him that I'd spent the day putting myself down. I have a hard time expressing in person to anybody that I'm feeling down-I've always been the perky, happy one and I feel like people expect that of me, and generally I don't mind.

Anyway, I'll get to the point. Without him knowing how I'd spent my day, he proceeded to tell me that he really enjoys my personality-that I have a way about me that invites people in, makes them feel comfortable, and helps dispell the lie in their head that they are worthless. He then said that is one of the greatest gifts one could give.

Hearing somebody else acknowledge a positive trait of mine without me having to seek out said acknowledgement really lifted my spirits, and instilled a little bit of the worth I've been seeking.

We also talked about the same thing we spend most of our time talking about-how I need to learn to set boundaries in my life. I recognized that one of the liabilities of being the kind of person that people feel they can open up to easily, is that once they've attached on to me, I feel bad setting the boundaries that are needed in any relationship. This has been happening quite frequently in my life lately, and it's been very draining. So my homework is to be able to establish limits in those relationships, because the lack of them is a huge cause of my anxiety.

And although it sounds ridiculous to talk about needing boundaries on a blog, I think that this is where I'll start.

Because I do need to recognize that it's ok if I don't blog every day. It's ok to be myself and not get dragged into trying to fit in. Because like Amy said in her comment on my last post, it is way more fun to be a reject. And I like who I am.

So, I apologize for the rant. Thank you for your kind words. And I should be back to my normal self now-except I'm not just going to blog because I feel like I have to. I'll only blog when I actually have something to say. (Which is frequently-I talk way too much.)

Ok the end.

Too tired to play pretend..

2011-07-20T09:40:00.001-07:00

I'm sick of blogging.

I do this every few months-realize that nobody reads my blog and that my words are wasted...
Get sick of the popularity contest that unfortunately is blogging.

Because guess what?
I'm not that girl.

I'm not going to post pictures of my daily outfit, because I'd rather wear a t-shirt and jeans every day of the week,
and don't really care about losing a piece of my soul 37 times a day while I take picture after picture.
(Unless those pieces of my soul were being placed in horcruxes, but they're not, so forget that.)

I'm not going to pretend my life is fabulous and full of cool stories to share with everybody.
Because it's not. And if it was, I'd be too busy enjoying it to share it with the world wide web anyway.

Plus, the only thing that really goes through my mind is my divorce, my marriage, and my insecurities caused by them.
And let's be honest, I should just save that for my counselor,
or I'd have to change the name of this blog to heidihateslife instead of happilyheidi.

It's possible I'm just depressed and will be back next week.
In fact, I'd say it's probable.

But as of right now, I'm out.
Catch you on the flip side.

Birthday Week!

2011-07-18T11:17:00.001-07:00

Ok, it's not techincally the week of my birthday, but it's in 8 DAYS, people!

Birthdays are my favorite thing about life. I firmly believe that they should be celebrated to the fullest extent. Which is why I took the actual day off of work and am spending the two weekends prior celebrating... :)

This past Saturday, my friend Mallory kicked off the birthday celebrations by taking me out to Pizza Mart, and then taking me to Build A Bear! I've always wanted to go.

His name is Rupert..after Rupert Grint. Duh.

Mallory also bought me the Team Rod shirt I've always wanted from my favorite movie, Hot Rod!

It was a fabulous way to kick off the celebrating.

And honestly, my last two birthdays were the worst EVER. So this one better rock.

{Also, happy birthday to the best sister in law ever-Jolene!}

Harry Potter!

2011-07-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

Last night, I put on my Team Voldemort shirt, and at 7 o'clock, watched the last Harry Potter movie.

{for the record, I'm not really Team Voldemort. It's a reference from The Office.}

And now I am in mourning.

Seriously, call me nerdy, but this series was my childhood.

I started reading the books in third grade. I was the epitome of a bookworm. I spent every recess in elementary school in the library- I despised getting dirty and playing in the sand. (still do.) All I wanted was to help the librarian and read books.

Harry Potter was the first series I fell in love with.(besides the Babysitters Club. But let's be honest, those don't count.)
When the movies started, I was the same age as the characters. And in a crazy way, I feel like I know them.

So the movie last night felt very much like the ending of an era.

And it was AMAZING. I could see it a million more times.

And let me just end by saying that in my opinion, Rupert Grint is one hot man, and I absolutely adore him as Ron.

Oh, and on the way home, I stopped for gas and locked my keys {and my spare} in my car, and was up till 2 waiting for a locksmith.

The fun just never ends around here...

Marley & Me. (not the movie)

2011-07-13T15:55:00.000-07:00

I just found these picture of me and my adorable niece Marley,and they make me so happy!

Seriously, she is so freaking cute.

Music Monday

2011-07-11T22:04:00.000-07:00

It's Music Monday! But I'm too lazy to put the picture up...so, here you go, my new favorite song. It is pure genius.

{Panic! at the Disco and fun.}

Monsoon Season

2011-07-10T21:33:00.001-07:00

You know the expression-when it rains, it pours.

I feel like monsoon season hasn't just hit the valley, but that it's taken it's toll on my life recently too. (metaphorically, of course.)

Of course I couldn't just go to the emergency room and have those bills to pay...

My car had to completely break down too..leaving me with a mile walk home in the sweltering heat, and quarter size blisters on both feet. Not to mention a large bill I can't pay.

And then I had to be told how awesome I'm NOT doing at work, as if I didn't already know and feel terrible about it.

It has not been an easy weekend. But in an effort to keep my blog from being a cryfest (and to maybe make myself feel better too), I'll leave with a few things I'm grateful for:

I'm grateful for having a car that is able to break down in the first place. Some people don't have the luxury of owning a vehicle, and I didn't realize how much I take it for granted.

I'm grateful for amazing parents, who help me when times are tough. (promise I'll pay you back..)

I'm grateful for meeting new friends that are pretty much super awesome.

I'm grateful for my comfortable bed, and the 30+ hours of sleep I got this weekend-I'm definitely a sleep addict.

and I'm grateful that my two very best friends, Kelsey and Heather, are finally back in town, restoring a huge amount of joy in my life.

Hope you had a good weekend:)

2011-07-07T16:58:00.001-07:00

When you're going through a divorce, you don't really stop to think about the inevitable-

You're going to have to start dating again.

And maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe some people look forward to redoing that part of life..

But I'm dreading it.

Don't get me wrong-I enjoy being asked out on dates. I like getting to know new guys, and being in relationships.

But the whole thing gives me anxiety. I sit there before a date and have a panic attack.

What if he doesn't like me? What if I don't look cute?
What if he DOES like me and I don't like him? I can't let him down..

I freak myself out over these ridiculous things, that really don't matter on a first date, when I should just focus on enjoying myself and getting to know the guy.

Point is, I have a date tomorrow. And I might be excited. Wish me luck.

Happy 4th!

2011-07-04T14:33:00.000-07:00

Well, this is how I spent my fourth of July eve...

Apparently Urgent Care didn't think they were equipped enough to deal with my excruciating abdominal pain, so they sent me to the E.R.

After a urine sample, blood test, x-ray, and a nasty IV in my arm, they gave me a few bottles of drugs and sent me home. I probably wouldn't have survived without Mallory there to take care of me, seeing as my whole entire family is out of town.

So I was awake until 4 last night, curled up in a bawl crying with pain. Which for some reason didn't stop me from going to Sprinkles and buying myself a cupcake today.

But as for the 4th of July, I'm thinking that will be the extent of my activites.

Hope your fourth is much more entertaining than mine.

Quite depressing.

2011-06-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

I am hurt.

I feel like everybody I let into my life recently takes advantage of me, uses me in some way.
and I hate it.

I feel sick.
I feel like curling up in my bed. But I don't want to be alone.
I want somebody to show up, bring me ice cream and not care that I'm fat.

The only problem is,
I don't have anybody I want to be not alone with.

And that feeling sucks.

Maybe I will just move far, far away.
Perhaps to Logan so I can see Ashley more.
Or perhaps to Oregon. Maybe I'll find that I don't love the sun as much as I think I do and that the rain suits me.

It really doesn't matter. The point is: I need a change. and I need it fast.

SYTYCD

2011-06-29T20:53:00.000-07:00

Guys...can I please just say that I am completely and utterly obsessed with So You think You Can Dance?

Seriously, if it's a Wednesday or Thursday night, don't even bother trying to get ahold of me, because I can only be found on the couch with my sister in law at my parents house watching two amazing hours of TV, while simultaneously painting our nails or doing hair.

I've said it before and I'll say it again-I just know that deep down inside of me is a hip hop dancer fighting her way out, and I have no idea how to unleash her.

Favorite this year: Melanie and Marko.
They give me chills.
Enjoy:

Music Monday

2011-06-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

Yay, I love Music Monday!

I also love the band He is We.

The lead singer is absolutely adorable, I love her voice, and they're coming to the Nile on August 1st! I can't wait to see them again!

{This is just my favorite song on the album, but all of them are fabulous.}

Bahama Rama Mama!

2011-06-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

114 degree weather means there will be lots of this for a few months:

Yes, blurry cell phone pictures and cheesy smiles.

I kid, I kid. I'm really referencing the delicious Dr. Pepper Bahama Bucks in my hand, complete with cream, ice cream, and a happy paper umbrella.
(although next time, I'm going with strawberry cheesecake..)

I feel sorry for you poor souls that don't have Bahama Bucks.

Nails

2011-06-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

I wish I could come up with a more creative title for this post, but I don't feel like thinking at the moment.

Recently I've become obsessed with nail polish and nail art.

I've never been particularly girly, and never have paid much attention to detail, so this is a rather new thing for me, but I love it.

I think my sister-in-law and I can name every single OPI color by name.

So when I saw this picture on tumblr, I fell in love and knew I had to try it.

Here's how it came out:

(sorry for the blurry picture-swear it looks better in real life.)

I used Sally Hansen Blue-Away. (I'm sorry, OPI...I promise I'll never cheat on you again.) Then I used my white and black stripers to make the dandelions. Super easy!

Any other lovely nail art I should try out??

Music Monday!

2011-06-20T12:43:00.000-07:00

I decided to start something new on this little blog of mine.

Anybody that knows anything at all about me knows that I'm obsessed with music.

It's my religion. Mormonism? That's just a hobby. (kidding.)
But really, I have a strong love for music.

Whether I'm making it or listening to it, music has a strong effect on me.
I especially love lyrics and how relatable they can be to life.

The idea is pretty simple. Every Monday, I'll post the cute little Music Monday symbol, followed by a song I'm currently obsessing over. Feel free to comment with your favorite songs/bands. Collecting and sharing music is easily my favorite thing to do.

Ok I'm talking too much. Without further ado, I thought I'd start with my favorite song by my favorite band-Seventy Times 7 by Brand New.

(If you don't like angry music, you should probably just tune in next week.)

Obligatory Father's Day Post

2011-06-19T16:01:00.001-07:00

Hey, everybody's posting about their father's, so I should too, right?

I wish there were words to express how much my dad means to me, but there aren't.

So I'll just tell you some of the things I love most about him!

My dad was always in the bishopric or the bishop growing up, so I didn't get to sit with him in church until I was 16 or 17. But as soon as he joined me on the pew, we had a blast. We are probably the two loudest adults in the congregation, yet he is the most spiritual man I know. When I think of my dad, I can honestly say that the first things that come to mind are the Savior and the example of Him that my dad is to everybody in his life.

I have never once in my life heard my dad speak poorly of anybody. He treats my mom with the utmost love and respect.
He has always disciplined with the perfect balance of mercy and justice.
He loves the gospel of Jesus Christ so much that tears come to his eyes whenever he expresses his testimony, which is on a regular basis-not just in our family, but any chance he gets.
Ever since I was little, it's been my thing with my dad to listen to 94.5 (the oldies station) whenever we're in the car together. We can often be found in my kitchen on Sundays singing songs from the 50's and 60's.
My dad makes me laugh every time that I see him, and he always laughs at my jokes.
It sounds like I'm trying to make him out to be perfect, and he isn't.
But he's the closest man to perfect that I know.

I know he won't read this (he's technologically challenged), but I've told him all of these things before, so that's ok. :)

Happy father's day.

2011-06-17T08:39:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting at my desk for the better part of an hour now, unable to move or to focus on invoices, the company website being down, the credit apps I have to process..

All I can think of centers around this thought:
I hate being an adult.

I want to go back-
to not worrying about the bills I can't pay.
to being blissfully ignorant of all of the lies and selfishness swirling all around me.
to sleeping on my parents floor when I'm scared at night.

When you're a kid these real life things don't matter. Your friends are always there for you, because you have no real problems that they're scared to face, so they don't.

People don't leave you. People don't USE you. Your parents put food on the table. You actually have a summer vacation. (that last one has been driving me nuts lately.)

I know that in reality, I love my independence too much to really go back to the way things were 10-15 years ago.

But after an awful interaction with a certain someone yesterday, I'm feeling quite alone and vulnerable, and just wish I could wake up in my old bed, to the comfort of my old house. I'd even take back having to complete the dreaded chore list before I could call my friends to play.

I can't help but remember the wise words of my Laurel leader (the fabulous Colleen Coleman) that I often think of when life sucks...

"Always think a happy thought, even if it's just 'tomorrow will be better.'"

And it will be.

Life is short. Stunt it.

2011-06-16T14:56:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was full of all of my favorite things.

On Friday night, I hosted a Hot Rod party, complete with homemade grilled cheese sandwiches and 35 tacos from Del Taco. (If you haven't seen Hot Rod, you won't get the reason for my food choices.)

Hot Rod is my all time favorite movie-I can quote every line. So it was super fun to be able to see a lot of friends that I haven't really spent time with since I before I was married, and watch my favorite movie. Afterwards, my friends Mark and Mallory and Kelsey stayed for a while, and we played guitar and sang and talked-my favorite thing to do.

For Christmas, my parents gave the three kids+spouses tickets to our favorite musical-Les Miserables! The three kids in my family couldn't be more opposite each other..but the one thing we all enjoy and can come together on is Les Mis. Since I no longer have a spouse, I asked my best friend Sarah Jo to come along as my date. We went to CPK first and caught up on life.
I'm so grateful for Sarah-she's been there for me through everything-my marriage, my divorce, and everything before, after, and in between. She's also an awesome aesthetician and taught me everything I know makeup-wise. I love you, Sarah Jo!

{me and SJ back in the day.}

Sarah took pictures with her camera, and I haven't gotten them from her yet. But the show was amazing. I had chills the whole 3 hours, and I'm pretty sure my dad was crying. The whole time.

If you've never listened to the music from Les Mis, or heard the story line, go do that now. It does not disappoint.

My weekends lately, have just been stellar. Hopefully the pattern continues.

What did you do this weekend??

Yet another divorce post..

2011-06-14T14:44:00.000-07:00

Yes, I talk about my divorce a lot, but it's my blog, which means it's my thoughts, which means I'm going to talk about my divorce.

One of the hardest parts of this whole ordeal has been people coming to me and saying,

"I knew it wouldn't work..you two never seemed right for each other."
(or some variable of this with specific examples of why we were doomed from the start.)

to which I reply,

"Why didn't you tell me??"

Of course everybody's response is that I wouldn't have listened, I would have been angry and gotten married anyway.

But the thing that gets to me the most is that I think I would have listened...especially if my parents had been the ones to say it.

I had doubts when we were dating, engaged...I saw red flags that scared me but that I figured would work themselves out...and they never did.
The thing is, when I had those feelings, people would just calm my nerves by telling me how cute and happy we looked together...the same people who now tell me they never thought that our relationship was a good idea.

In hindsight, I don't know if I ever thought it was either.

Was I happy? While we were dating, yes, usually.

But I let myself ignore the fact that happiness isn't going to last in a relationship where communication, selflessness, and humility don't have priority.

Don't get me wrong-I know those things are not only hard to obtain, but to continually practice. I'll be the first to tell you that I failed miserably at them.

But that is why marriage is hard. That is why marriage is a sacrifice. And all I can do now is hope and pray that my next relationship or marriage will be one where both parties are committed enough to exercise those things.

And if not, then I will try again. And again. And again. Until I get the true happiness that I know we all deserve with that special person that will love us for who we are-so much that they won't let us go.

And I can't wait for it.

Facebook Etiquette 101

2011-06-08T08:32:00.000-07:00

I was thinking yesterday-there are a lot of things that really drive me crazy on Facebook-things that people should never do, if they want to uphold their dignity and/or credibility in my book.

1. iF u TyPe LyK dIs, U WiLL b DeLeTeD 4M mY fRiEnDs LiSt.
Faster than it took me to type that sentence. Which was a solid 1.3 minutes that I'll never get back. Really? Who wants to take the time to capatalize every other letter? Unless, you're not taking the time to spell out real words like "you" and "be". Then I guess it evens out. Oh wait...no, it doesn't.
P.S. If you're over the age of 13, just forget ever earning my Facebook respect. We can talk about real life respect later, when I no longer have to read uR uPdAtEs.

2.If you have 124 profile pictures, and 122 of them are pictures of yourself taken in the mirror, or upclose with your camera phone, you probably suffer from a not so rare, and very real disorder-Facebook Vanity.
This is different than regular old vanity, my friends. Facebook Vanity consists of taking a picture of yourself every time you look semi-decent, having a new profile picture at least 5 times a week, and obsessively checking for that blessed little red notification to let you know somebody "liked" your photo, or commented on how hawt you are.
This isn't MySpace, ya'll.

3. It's really great that you love your significant other sooo much, but I don't need to hear about it every day. Nor do I want to.
Don't get me wrong, I think the occasional brag about your husband/boyfriend/wife is cute..a bit of public love every once in a while isn't a bad thing. In fact, I hope that my future husband will publicly announce how awesome he thinks I am 3 times a year. But when literally every status update is about how perfect they are, you're getting carried away. This is social networking. Not your diary.

4. "Liking" every status update and picture that you, yourself, post is crazy.
We know you like it. You wouldn't have posted it otherwise. Enough said.

I think that is sufficient for now.
But for more Facebook blunders, go to failbook.com. You're welcome.

A Little Bit Stronger

2011-06-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

I have a new feel good song. I've been listening to it on repeat for days. And maybe pretending I'm singing karaoke with a fake microphone. But that's a pretty normal thing for me.

{I just started playing it, and my office manager said, "here we go again..."}

In other news, men are confusing. But I guess that's not news, is it?

Dear men,
This "hanging out" business is for fools.
If you are interested in a girl, ask her on a date. and soon, or she'll move on.
Just a piece of constructive criticism from somebody who's been there, done that.
That is all.
Love, Heidi

Seriously though, I don't remember ever dating my exhusband. Ever.
I can count on one hand the number of "dates" we went on.

Bad idea.
Girls, if you like a boy, don't let him get away with hanging out every night.
DATE. Get to know each other. In the proper setting.
And for reals guys, don't ask a girl out over text. Tacky.

That's my soap box for the day.
Buh-bye!

I feel you in my heart, and I don't even know you..

2011-06-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

{Idea stolen from Ashley}

Dear future husband,

Hi. I do not know you, and you do not know me. Chances are that you have a list written up somewhere of what you want in a wife, just as I have a list of things I need in a husband.

I hope that I live up to your list. I'm doing everything I can to prepare to.

I know that my experiences in life have made me cynical towards love and marriage. All I can really ask of you is patience, and lots of love to help me trust again. I can tell you now that I'll have lots of anxiety attacks and worries about silly things. I hope that you can hold my hand through those difficult times and I promise to do the same for you.

Expensive things don't matter to me much. I don't mind if we're poor at first. I don't need big gifts or fancy cars. It would mean so much more to me if I came home to a picnic set up in the living room with a $5 dollar pizza than if we planned to go out to eat. Thoughtful gestures like really mean the world to me.

I already know that my family will love and accept you, and I hope that you will feel like a part of my family, and that I will feel like a part of yours. I hope going back and forth for holidays will be a blessing rather than a burden.

I can't wait to cook dinner together, to lay in bed and talk before we fall asleep, to hold hands in the car and leave little notes for each other-to do all the little things that make the love last, that I missed so much in my last marriage.

I hope that when you promise me that you'll never leave me, that I can believe you. I pray that when I'm getting ready for our wedding day, I'll know with a surety that someday I won't be getting ready to walk into court for our divorce.

I know that this all sounds quite selfish, but I promise you that I will do my best to give you everything you want and need in return. If you are happy in our marriage, I will be too.

Just don't ever give up on me...

Love, Heidi

2011-05-31T10:09:00.000-07:00

I spent Memorial Day weekend with my new favorite person, Ashley! We met through the blogosphere, became good friends, and she so kindly invited me to come stay with her for the weekend. My parents were slightly worried that she was a man/murderer, but thankfully she was not and I'm still alive! yay! (like I would get in the car with a man anyway.)

They say a picture speaks a thousand words, so here are five pictures to sum up my weekend. You do the math. But I like words, so I'll still talk about every picture. So it will be closer to 5,872 words.

Ashley doesn't eat cereal. So we ate berries and milk and powdered sugar. I laughed at her for a while before I tried it. Guess what? It was actually pretty delicious.

A lot of hours were spent in front of the tv, on separate ends of the couch, with our cell phones, eating junk food. I was craving chicken nuggets, so we went to Walmart at midnight and bought some. Go us.
Ashley is the sweetest person I've ever met, and booked me a massage for my unniversary. Afterwards, we went to color me mine, and let our creative juices flow. I made a plate with lyrics from my favorite song at the moment.
(Nineteen, by Tegan and Sara)

One word: Cupcakes.

A few of my friends from Provo came up and we went to the zoo, then explored downtown Salt Lake.

If you live in the Salt Lake area, get off your computer right now. Do not pass Go. Just jump in your car and head straight to Bruge's Waffles and Frites. Thank me later.

I'm not going to lie, it was probably one of the best weekends I have ever had.

Thanks for letting me stay, Ashley!

2011-05-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

This week has been a hard one for me.

There has been a lot of looking back and reminiscing.

4 years ago this week, I was graduating from high school.
1 year ago tomorrow, I was going through the temple for the first time.
1 year ago Sunday, I was getting married.

And now here I am.

Graduated from beauty school, but wishing I was graduating from college with the rest of my class. Although I love my career, part of me wants that cap and gown and degree hanging on my wall.

I don't visit the temple nearly enough. I'll be honest, it's hard for me to. I know that I should feel peace there, but I feel sadness..because I can't go through without thinking about the first time I was there. With my almost husband to be. I can't go through without thinking of the reason I went through for the first time, which essentially was to be married.

And obviously, here I am, approaching the year anniversary of my wedding, divorced. Although I know that things in my marriage weren't right, that stings.

Have I done anything right in the last 4 years? (that's a rhetorical question.)
I wish I could rewind, go back to the summer of 2008, when I was skinny, happy, immersed in my career. I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

Looking on the bright side, at least now I know what I want out of life, where my priorities should be, and what to look for in future relationships.

I've thought mostly about future relationships this week and all of the red flags that I chose to ignore while I was dating and engaged to my exhusband.

This is what I've decided I truly need:

Somebody willing to accept my past, live with me in the present, and strive to help me be better for the future..somebody who makes me want to be better, and vice versa.

Somebody who doesn't try to "fix" me-who thinks the way I mispronounce breakfast is cute...who just laughs along with me when I'm loud and/or excited in public...who holds my hand through my anxiety attacks.

Somebody who will be my equal partner in the gospel-making sure we attend the temple, read our scriptures, etc. together, and not just one of us pestering the other.

Those are just a few things, but this post is getting long.

Now that I've thought about it though, I'm grateful for what I've learned along this long difficult road.

Maybe I wouldn't rewind after all.

2011-05-19T14:34:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to figure myself out lately. I thought I had gotten that taken care of years ago.
Turns out I didn't..or if I did, I'm at a spot in my life where I feel the need to be rediscovered.

You see, I don't want to be labeled as divorcee. That word tastes bad on my tongue. I despise it. It does not define me. It is not who I am.

But still, it is something that has happened to me. Something that has drawn scars on my heart and added even more worry to my already fearful thoughts. It has made me unsure of who I am and what I believe.

I have spent so many hours wondering how to overcome this, and be myself again without this label tattooed on my forehead. To be quite frank, I'm through with mourning over my failed marriage. I know I did things wrong, I know he did things wrong. And I know it's over, so why look back?

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I will lay in bed and cry all day on what would have been our year anniversary in 9 days... But most days, I am eager to get on with my life and to find happiness in a healthy relationship.

To me, a 9 month long marriage is more like a bad breakup with paperwork. In my heart, I know that I can pick up the pieces, be strong, and carry on.

But my fear is that others will look at me and see a broken marriage, and therefore assume there is a broken person underneath my happy exterior. And there is not. I am strong and I am a fighter.

But the thought of that label still haunts me.

2011-05-17T15:47:00.000-07:00

Dude. I have not had a weeekend so relaxing as this past one in...probably over a year. No joke, it was amazing.

I met up with my friend Mallory, and we hit up the Chandler mall, where we became best friends with an insane sales woman from Hollywood in Sephora, who sold me this makeup.

No lies, I'm obsessed. Water doesn't take it off, it doesn't make my skin oily, and it's natural. It's crazy because it comes out of the tube DARK, and blends in with any face color. I fell in love. and wasted a pretty penny on it. Oh well.

After that, we went to Nordstrom, where I ran into my favorite Biggest Loser contestant, Ali Vincent. She's so freaking inspirational. So what do I do? I open my big freaking mouth and say,

"Hi. I love you. But not in a lesbian way."
*crickets chirp. awkward silence.*

I fail at life.
After I embarrassed myself miserably, we went to Firebird's for Mallory's brother's graduation dinner, then saw Something Borrowed. I am IN LOVE with John Krasinski. He can do no wrong in my eyes. In fact, if he walked through the door right now, asking me to marry him, I'd do it, no questions asked. Ok, moving on.

I ended up spending the night at Mallory's, because she lives in freaking Maricopa. The next morning, we woke up to go yard sailing. I asked her mom for a shirt to borrow and she gave me this:

*crickets chirp again*
yes, I wore it. I have no shame. Sorry, mom.

The rest of the day was spent shopping, and devouring delicious pizza from Grimaldi's. I then napped, and spent time with my beautiful sister/cousin Kelsey.

Life doesn't get much better than that.

2011-05-11T12:32:00.000-07:00

I got to spend this past weekend with my gorgeous little sister Heather! (ok, for the record, her and Kelsey are my cousins-but not really. we are sisters through and through. so just know that.)

Heather's mom had a marathon in New Mexico, and her sister and dad went along, so we got to party from Friday night to Sunday afternoon.

We started off the night with some delicious wings from Applebees, followed by one of my favorite movies, Juno.

"that ain't no etch-a-sketch...this is one doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet. your eggo is preggo."

The rest of the weekend was filled with happy things, like Sprinkles cupcakes and haircuts, dance parties at midnight and kareoke in the car, chocolate chip waffles and Papa John's...(there was definitely a fattening food theme..)

And lots and lots of good memories and new inside jokes. Heather is without a doubt the smartest and wittiest 14 year old I've ever met.

"They say black and white cats are the smartest cats. And I say-that's racial profiling." -Heather

Love you, sister!

2011-05-09T12:48:00.000-07:00

Alright, blog world. I am officially beginning training for the Turkey Trot 5K today. Thank goodness it's not until November. I'm gonna need the 29 weeks.

Here's the thing-I don't just hate running. I despise running. Because, quite frankly, I'm really bad at it. I'm just not a natural runner.

I can kick butt in spin class, or rock the elliptical, no sweat. But running has always been a different story. So most people will say, "Then don't run. Stick with what you're good at."

But I want to run. I want to be fit and in shape. I want to know that I could run from a murderer. Or a ruthless dog trying to bite my face off.

So wish me luck!
{And any and all running tips are greatly appreciated-training schedules, shoes to buy, cutest running clothes...just throw 'em at me!}

2011-05-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

I know all of you think that you have the best mom in the entire world-but I really do. At least she's the best for me.

My mom is the most kind, selfless person I've ever met. She is truly amazing, and my best friend. Which makes it kinda tragic that we have zero recent pictures together. (besides my wedding, but that's just depressing.)

I could attempt to write a list of all her amazing qualities, but really, it would take days. So here are the few things that have stood out to me lately...

Since my divorce, my mom has been so patient, understanding, and loving. She has never spoken one unkind word about my exhusband or his family, and in fact does just the opposite-she expresses concern and love for him, which is an amazing example to me.

The day that I moved out of the apartment that I shared with Ryan, my mom gave me a book as I left for my new house. It's called "Created For Greater Things" by Jeffrey R. Holland, and is a compilation of inspiring quotes. It brings me so much peace on nights that I feel alone. And that is just how my mom is-always doing thoughtful things for other people. She somehow knows when it is needed, even when it is not expressed to her. I know that she prays for me daily, and I can feel her prayers in my life.

My mom recently became Nana, and spends every night watching precious little Marley-with no complaint at all about any time that it takes away from her own needs.

She was unable to have children after having two ectopic pregnancies, and adopted me and my two siblings. I often tell her that she is the best mom I've ever had. People ask me frequently if I feel the need to find my birth mother, and I can honestly say I don't-because the mom that I have has cared for me since day one. She's held me while I cried, laughed with me when I'm goofy, driven me all around town to find cute clothes when I feel bad about myself, been prompted to offer me assistance when I'm too stubborn to ask. She is my mother, through and through. And I could not be more grateful for her.

Home is where your mom is.

2011-05-04T11:38:00.000-07:00

People. What is up with all of the hate in the blog world? Gratefully, I have never been the recipient of hateful or rude comments, or the subject of an unkind blog. But I have quite a few friends who have been, especially recently, and I wanted to share my thoughts on the matter.

I'm not going to name names, say who belittled who...that's not my place, nor do I wish to start any drama. But I can not understand why some people feel they are in the right when they publicly announce their dislike for anybody-let alone a fellow blogger that they most likely have never even met.

A lot of these women that are putting others down are mothers. I know all are daughters, probably sisters, cousins, aunts, maybe even leaders over young girls in their respective churches...Is this the kind of example that we want to set for our children and for the up and coming generation? Do we really want to teach them that it is ok to criticize somebody because they are different than us? I'm sure that the answer is a resounding no.

Yet we as women do it, and frequently. I am of course guilty of it also. But seeing the pain that it brings others, and knowing the pain that it has brought me, I'm learning that this is not ok. This is not acceptable. And this is not how daughters of a loving Heavenly Father should act.

We have no place to put others down. We do not know where they have been or what they are going through. We are each children of God. We each have our own strengths and weaknesses. Learning who you are and how to cope through the trials of life is a struggle we all face-why not celebrate and encourage each other throughout it?

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

2011-05-01T18:09:00.001-07:00

Church was quite productive today. I wrote out my bucket list! And for your reading pleasure, here it is.

1. Go to San Francisco-my uncle Greg has a salon there that I've always wanted to visit. Apparently it's the bomb.com. I've also never seen Northern California, and am dying to.

2. Become a cosmetology instructor-I LOVED beauty school. Every second of it. I've always known I wanted to be a teacher, but kids kinda hate me, and I kinda hate math. and science. and history. and every class but choir and English. So it hit me, why not teach about something I love, to adults?? duh.

3. Visit Graceland-Anybody who knows me at all, knows I love Elvis to my core. Enough said.

4. Ride in a train-Just recently I found out that they have real life trains with real life tables you can sit at on your ride, and I get super excited about little things like that. Call me crazy, but I thought that was only in Harry Potter. It's been my dream since I discovered it.

5. Own another convertible or a Vespa-I owned a convertible once. And let's just say every day with it was the happiest day of my life. And Vespa's are the cutest thing ever.

6. Run a 5K-Might be easy for some people, but it's a miracle if I can make a lap without dry heaving.

7. Learn how to play another instrument-Maybe the guitar, since I only can play two songs? Or the ukelele would be sa-weet.

8. Go to New Zealand-Let's face it, Lord of the Rings isn't my favorite movie, but holy cow. Ever since I saw it, I've been entranced by the beauty that is New Zealand.

9. Go to a Broadway play in New York-Les Mis or Wicked, anyone? Two favorites of. all. time.

10. Take a cake decorating class-Cake makes me happy, ok??

11. Do service in (or at least for) Africa-Ever since I graduated high school, I've wanted to somehow serve the people of Africa. And I will. Just wait.

12. Adopt a baby-Having been adopted myself, I'm kind of partial to the idea of giving a child a life they otherwise wouldn't have had.

13. Sew something awesome that doesn't fall apart-For once I'd like a quilt that I sewed to not have holes big enough for my legs to fit through.

14. Attend the recording of a game show-More preferably, get on said game show, and win.

15. Reach my goal weight (and stay there)-Yeah, I reached my goal weight once. Then I got depressed and gained 30 pounds. Then I almost hit it again. Then my husband left me, and I depended on cupcakes and Dr. Pepper for happiness. No more, I tell you! No more!

16. Learn to play Piano Fantasy perfectly-I can play it..but I mess up. Lots. And if I could play it perfectly..what man could resist that?? (kidding.)

(this bucket list is subject to change at any time.)

2011-04-27T15:44:00.000-07:00

It's nice to know that when the sun sets, it will always rise again.

And that when a good thing ends, another will always begin.

P.S. Aren't Arizona sunsets breathtaking? I sure think so.

2011-04-26T12:07:00.000-07:00

My new friend Ashley (who I love.) is hosting a link up party! The purpose of this party is to encourage women to feel better about themselves-you can participate by posting a picture of yourself and listing positive things that you love about you. Here is what I came up with:

I love that I'm crazy, even though others might not appreciate it as much.

I love that I have my own unique sense of style.

I love that I am strong and willing to mourn with those that mourn.

Most of all, I love that I am a child of God.

Celebrate yourself.

Easter

2011-04-24T11:02:00.000-07:00

"One of the great consolations of the Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great comfor for our little version of that path-the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone or unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of all of us said, 'I will not leave you comfortless: My Father and I will come to you and abide with you.'"

(source)

I love the simple truth that because of the Atonement of Christ, and his resurrection, we are never alone.

Happiest of Easters to you.

2011-04-19T09:19:00.001-07:00

disclaimer: this post is quite candid and real. so if you don't like it, then you can shove it. but you don't like it, you love it. (It's a Weezer song, don't be offended.)

I was talking to a friend last night, and it hit me. Hard. I am getting a divorce.

Let's just say I cried. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't sobbing or anything. But I cried. For the first time in weeks.

I cried about not crying for weeks. It sounds like a silly thing to cry about, until you realize that you've been bottling up your emotions for so long, that you've convinced even yourself that you don't need to grieve. When in reality, grieving is normal and necessary.

I cried about the reality that I may not get married again. That isn't a plea for comments telling me that oh, of course I'll get married again. Because let's face it, I might not. Yes, I still might. But it could be years, if ever. And that scared me.

I cried about losing my best friend, and feeling that if my husband can't even stand me long enough to stay, why should I expect that anybody would ever love me again?

I went to bed after 3 in the morning and my alarm goes off at 6. I snoozed until 6:50, threw on last nights clothes, and left for work. Then once at work, I raided the candy cupboard and had 4 mini candy bars for breakfast, followed by a Rockstar. And I don't even care about the calories, about the caffeine that is making my heart race so badly as I type this, that I can't feel it hurt anymore. In fact, I prefer it.

I even turned my phone off. Anybody that knows me knows that there is nothing more rare than my phone being off, and not attached to my hand. Not even a blood red steak. (I know, lame joke.) Just goes to show that this is serious business, folks.

In less depressing news, I got glasses. Ray-Bans, cause I'm cool.
(Ignore the unenthusiastic face. Obviously this isn't my best day.)

Have a happy Tuesday.

2011-04-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

2011-04-04T12:56:00.000-07:00

So, I know this girl named Natalie. Who basically takes the most beautiful pictures ever. Don't believe me? Look here. She is having a giveaway at her blog! (nataliemorgandub.blogspot.com)
And I basically really want to win.
It could have something to do with needing pretty pictures to replace my wedding ones and make me feel better about myself. But whatever.
So, if you want pictures, you should enter too! But I don't wish you luck. :)

2011-03-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

Day 10: A picture of somebody you do messed up things with. (No, I didn't forget about my 30 days of pictures..I'm just lazy.)

Meet Taylor Brown:

I met Taylor my very first night in Provo, in the hot tub. I made about 23 awesome "that's what she said" jokes in the space of 45 minutes, and we became instant best friends and hung out every single day. (Oh, and hi blonde Heidi...weird.)

Pretty early on in the summer, on the way up to Taylor's apartment, I noticed a gnome outside of a different apartment door, and had the genius idea to hang it..from a noose. (Let's be honest, I have a sick sense of humor.)

Of course Tay was all for it, so we googled how to tie a noose, and Taylor used his awesome boy scout knot tying skills..

And we hung the gnome in front of it's owners door.

It stayed there for about 4 days..somebody even came and put ketchup on it as blood. Then we're pretty sure management took it down. But we were pretty proud while it lasted.

PS. Taylor is getting married in September, and I am so so happy for him. :)

Stay tuned for more outrageous stories! Likr the time I put a whole case of UTI pills (that turn urine dark red) into brownies and gave them to Taylor's apartment.. just another day in the life.

2011-03-23T15:39:00.000-07:00

Hi, friends.

I feel like I have a little bit of explaining to do on this little blog of mine..(did anybody else just sing "I'm gonna let it shine" in their heads? Cause I did.)

Some people may already know what I'm about to say, or have come to the conclusion themselves based on things that I have/haven't said.

But here's the skinny-I'm getting a divorce. I don't mean to make light of the situation-or maybe I do, that seems to be the way that I deal with things and it's always worked out for me.

Instead of giving anybody an explanation on why or when or how or what caused this to happen (because let's face it-it's nobody's business), I'm going to enlighten you on what I've learned going through this experience.

I am flawed. No, I don't say that to beg for compliments. I say that because I can not change anybody else. The only thing that I can change about this situation is myself-and I plan to, in order to become the girl that I intend to be, and the wife that I want to be when that time comes again.
As flawed as I am, I am a daughter of God, who loves me. And I deserve to be treated as such.
I am surrounded by people that love and support me-visiting teachers that bring me flowers and home teachers that invite me to dinner..office managers who bring me cupcakes, and parents who take me on long road trips to get out of my apartment. Blessed doesn't even begin to describe my life.
Things that used to be important to me in a marriage, I'm realizing I don't need as much. And things that I thought I could do without, I'm realizing I need more than I expected. Life is interesting that way.
I think Robert Frost really said it best, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."

And it does, folks. Through pain and sorrow, through happiness and peace. Life goes on. And whether you're married or divorced, old or young, spiritual or aetheist...your life is a gift. And if it must go on, don't let it go on without you running alongside, smiling.

So for now, I choose to pursue happiness.

2011-03-17T15:46:00.000-07:00

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and changing a soul. You begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises.

And you start to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open.

You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain.

After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

You learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.

You learn that with every goodbye, there’s a hello.

Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash. Fall in love. Be random. Say I love you. Cry. Apologize.

Tell someone how much they mean to you. Sing out loud. Tell a jerk how you feel. Let someone know what they’re missing. Laugh until your stomach hurts.

Live Life.

2011-03-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

Hi, friends. I realize a blog isn't exactly the place to solicit, but just an FYI, I have some items for sale that need to go asap, if anybody needs some furniture..

There's a gigantic couch from Mor, less than a year old and in perfect condition. Originally cost $600... Could probably easily fit 5 people on it. Comes with 4 matching pillows. Super comfy, so you won't feel quite as guilty telling your husband to sleep on the couch when he makes you mad. :) Just joking.

Then there's a beautiful table that I'm in love with..it's really tall, black, and has 4 matching chairs. It's also from Mor, and was $300 originally and is in perfect condition. Less than a year old. Kind of a rectangular shape..

And there's a coffee table from Ikea...glass on top, dark black/brown with two side drawers. And you guessed it-it's less than a year old.

I wish I had pictures to put on, but if you're interested, email me and I'll take some to send to you and give you an estimate on what we're asking.

So..yup. That's about it. Sorry for the boring, completely uninspiring post. I'll make it up later.

PS. My email is heidiljudd@gmail.com. Don't spam me, or I'll literally Spam you. With Spam. From a can.

2011-03-09T10:38:00.000-08:00

I have a dream.

And while my dream is slightly less admirable than MLK's, it's still a dream. One that I'll probably never pursue, but hey. At least I'm writing it down. That's gotta be worth something.

So here it is:

I know what you're thinking, "uh, a little late Heidi. You can't just copy and paste a logo from a TV show that was somebody else's dream and call it yours."

Oh, but yes I can.

It is my dream to be on that show. And while I don't weigh enough (insert sad face), I still want to participate.

SO I had this brilliant idea to start my own Biggest Loser competition with whoever in the valley would participate. (Or out of the valley. whatever.) But we could each pitch in 20 bucks, have weekly meetings, and make it more of a support group too-share recipes, meet at the track, etc...

Awesome idea, right??

Only downfall is..I have no fat friends.

GAIN SOME WEIGHT, PEOPLE.

2011-03-06T20:10:00.000-08:00

There is no easy way to put this. I'm going through a difficult time. No details are needed, just that.

But I take comfort in the fact that love exists, in so many different forms.

I take comfort in knowing that people are inspired..in the past week, I have receieved so many Facebook messages, texts, phone calls..from people that don't know my situation, that don't even know that I have a situation, but that just felt inspired to send some love my way.

I take comfort in knowing that families are forever. Because I know I'll always have somebody to bring me dinner and ice cream. (only partially kidding.)

I take comfort in the atonement of Jesus Christ, and knowing that He has suffered through far worse than I. "In the world, ye shall have tribulation; but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

-John 16:33

Love is being kind, because you never know who could be fighing a hard battle.

Love is acting on a thought that you might have to say something sweet to somebody, even if you don't know why.

Love is becoming more like Christ, and forgiving those that have hurt you.

I am grateful for love.

2011-03-01T10:30:00.001-08:00

It's Moustache March!

Let's be honest, I usually hate real moustaches. I think they're 100% creeper status.

And for some reason, mormon men with moustaches are even worse to me. (No offense to anyone..) But I can't help but participate in this completely ridiculous celebration.

Yep, this will be my facebook picture for the next month.

Maybe it's got something to do with these freaking awesome mugs..

And I'd be lying if I said I didn't want this pillowcase set from Urban Outfitters...

And...I really love the moustache shirt from snorgtees.com.. (seen here)

If you want a REALLY good laugh, just head on over to carstache.com. And then order one, because they're probably the best thing I've seen in months.

Happy March!!

2011-02-26T19:26:00.000-08:00

Day 9: A picture of the person who has gotten me through the most

Ok, this was hard too. So many people have helped me through so many different times in my life. And since I'm trying not to use duplicate people too much, and I could use my mom and Kelsey and Heather for all of these pictures, I'm trying to expand.

This is my friend Sarah. We met at my very first salon. She was the aesthetician. (Just pretend I spelled that right, ok?)

Sarah is awesome. Whenever I need help, she is full of loving and helpful advice. On my wedding day, she was there first thing in the morning to do my make up and was the only person not family in the sealing room. She came the day of the reception to do my make up again for even more pictures. She fixed my dress, held my Dr. Pepper through pictures, caried my train around, fixed my make up..

The majority of my friends didn't come to my reception. It hurt a little bit. (ok, a lot bit.) and it meant so much to me that Sarah was there for me throughout the entire thing!

Anytime I'm sad, happy, angry, or need advice, I know my Sarah Jo will be there for her Heidi Ho!

PS. Sarah once dated Thayne Jaspseron's brother.. You know..hot hot Thayne from So You Think You Can Dance?? and she stayed in Thayne's house. We played one night, and I laid in Thayne's bed. Creepy? Yes. Awesome? YES. Be jealous.

2011-02-25T14:43:00.001-08:00

Day 8: A picture that makes me laugh

(source: awkwardfamilyphotos.com)

Yep...There are no words for this one.

2011-02-23T21:55:00.000-08:00

Day 7: a picture of my most treasured possession

The most precious thing that I own would be my scriptures. These aren't just any scriptures though. There's a story behind them. But does that surprise you? I have a story for everything.

I had my 20th birthday while I was living in Provo. Like I said before, I loved Provo. But I was very homesick. My mom is my best friend, and it was the first time I'd been away from home. The week before my birthday, my aunt came up to visit and brought my parents birthday presents with her.

They gave me this set of scriptures. I was happy. I needed new ones. Then my aunt told me to open them, and I was so surprised.

My mom went to every member of my family, all of my old church leaders, everybody that is important to me, and had them highlight their favorite scripture and put in a sticky note with a sweet note to me, explaining why that scripture meant so much to them, and in a lot of cases, expressing their love for me also.

These scriptures mean so much to me. When I am having a hard time, I can flip them open and almost any post it note I find with the correlating scripture brings peace to my heart. When I feel unloved, I can turn to them and know that there are in fact many people that love me.

just one more reason that my mom is amazing..

2011-02-22T10:13:00.000-08:00

Day 6: A person I would like to trade places with for a day.

I thought a lot about this. It was quite difficult. I don't want to be somebody else. I like being me, and I am who I'm supposed to be. But finally I came up with an answer:

(My answer is Sara Bareilles, in case you didn't get that.)

Here is why:

1. She is beautiful. (ok, that's not really a reason, but I needed more than 1.)

2. Her voice is AMAZING! Every day in the car I listen to her music and sing along, and pretend I can sing as well as her.

So for your listening pleasure...here's my fave. you're welcome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCTt4hFBek4

(blogger is being dumb, and won't let me paste the video. so just click the link above.)

2011-02-21T12:40:00.000-08:00

Week 1 Review:

Guess who lost 8 pounds this week?

this girl. (for the full effect, picture me pointing to myself with my thumbs. K thanks.)

I only went to the gym twice, so I have lots of room for improvement.

And I definitely went to Pizza Mart and ate lots of candy on Saturday. I gained a pound back Sunday, and dropped 3 today. Not too shabby.

I know that the following weeks will be nowhere near this awesome. My body is probably just saying "What the crap are you doing to me?". Never the less, I'm happy to have such a great jump start to motivate me to work even harder.

Now, for my other goals...

I read my scriptures every day, and went to the temple! I'm not going to lie, I completely forgot about not criticizing.. oops. This week though..it's on.

Go me!

2011-02-19T21:39:00.000-08:00

Day five: A picture of your favorite memory

This picture is a mere representation of my favorite memory, which lasted for three months.

In May of 2009, I decided that I was done with Arizona, put my two weeks notice in at work, found an apartment in Provo Utah, and told my parents I wanted to leave. I packed up my little convertible, got a friend to come along for the ride, and moved.

The three months I spent in Utah were the three happiest, most fun months of my life. I made life long best friends there (like Lindsey and Holly pictured above) and got to experience life on my own.

The day I moved home, I sobbed for hours. But all good things must come to an end, and everything happens for a reason. I have a million awesome stories to tell from those three months, and so many happy memories that will last forever.

2011-02-17T19:54:00.000-08:00

Day 4: A picture (or pictures) from my favorite night

Ok, that picture is not the best quality but you get the idea..See who's on that giant bus in the background? That's right. The Jonas Brothers.

Once upon a time, I was the best cousin ever. Oh wait, I still am. Anyway, I heard the Jo Bro's were coming to town, and began to plot. I texted Kelsey and Heather's mom, and asked if they'd like to go. She was happy for me to take them, because she wouldn't have to. So I bought the tickets and waited for the blessed day to arrive.

I picked up the girls, and took them to Oregano's. (Yes, I had long hair and was much skinnier. Loved it.) While we were at Oregano's, we talked about what we should do that night..Maybe go bowling, or to a movie..Then I whipped out the tickets and told them where we were going! They were so excited! So was I, but I pretended it was for their sake, not because I really think Kevin Jonas is hot. And definitely not because I genuinely like to get down to the Jo Bro's..

On the way to the concert, a minivan cut in front of me, and slammed on it's brakes. I slammed on mine, but still rear ended them. (This is where the story gets good.) The van kept driving for THREE miles! A police car had witnessed the whole thing, and pulled behind the van with it's sirens and lights flashing. He even used his speaker to yell at her to pull over. When she finally did, the cop came to the conclusion that if she was stupid enough to not notice him behind her for three miles, she was stupid enough to not see me when she cut in front of me. She got a ticket and cried, and we went on our merry way. :)

Even a car accident couldn't ruin our fun! I think it's safe to say this was the most fun all three of us had ever had.

Oh, and I saw them again twice the next summer, once with the girls. But that's another story, for another day. :)

2011-02-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

Day 3: A picture of the cast from your favorite show

I can't deny it. I love Glee. The music makes me so happy. And the boys are so cute.

If you haven't seen the Big Bang Theory, go remedy this immediately. So funny and so well written! I have every season on DVD, and couldn't stop watching.

So, boring post, but there you have it-my two current favorites.

2011-02-15T17:33:00.000-08:00

Day 2: A picture of me and the person I've been closest with the longest.

I guess it would be people I've been closest to the longest. Of course it would be my parents!

My parents are the most amazing people I know. In fact, a lot of people that know them tell me the same thing. They adopted me when I was a day old, and I have never felt anything but love and acceptance from them.

They always are there for me, even when it's something silly. Just the other night, my mom drove me around to 4 different stores to find me a new church outfit, because I felt bad about myself.

I've never heard my parents say anything bad about anybody, and they are awesome examples of followers of Christ. I love them so much!

2011-02-14T20:20:00.000-08:00

Well, today started off the first day of Operation Skinny. (I just made that name up.)

I'm not going to lie, I'm so proud of myself! I counted up all my Weight Watchers points, and only had ONE cake pop. I cheated a tiny bit for dinner..After all, it is Valentine's Day..We went to Paradise Bakery. YUM. But I made up for it by going to Combat after. Let me just say that I probably won't be able to lift my arms at all tomorrow. Go me!

I also found out that by working out, I get to eat more points in a day. Hallelujah. I can always use an extra incentive to get to the gym! :)

In other news, my cousin, Kelsey, is doing a thirty day photo challenge on good ol' Facebook, and I decided to do it on the bliggity blog. Here is day uno. Enjoy.

Day 1: A picture of myself, with 15 facts about me. (cause I don't talk about myself enough, right?)

1. I'm very particular about my sleeping habits. I must sleep on my right side, curled up. My fan has to be on, but facing the wall, because I like the noise, but can't stand feeling air blowing on me. My eye mask has to be on, with every light off. And I always sleep with the teddy bear I've had since the wee age of...twelve.

2. I would give anything to be able to cut my own hair successfully. I have a very hard time finding anybody I trust besides myself. I'm just that good. (kidding.)

3. The first thing I do every Sunday is read postsecret.com.

4. I'm adopted.

5. I get along better with teenagers than with people my own age.

6. I'm very honest, and rarely ever lie. Some would say I'm too honest.

7. My favorite movies are Hot Rod, Juno, and Bye Bye Birdie.

8. I love listening to the oldies, and have had a deep love for Elvis Presley since I was little.

9. When people yell, I cry.

10. I love giving gifts, probably a lot too much.

11. I have a great appreciation for good lyrics, and tend to use them as my Facebook status.

12. I have owned 5 (very inexpensive) cars. Thanks mom and dad.

13. My dream car is a Volkswagen Eos. Or to have my old VW Cabrio Convertible back. And a Vespa.

14. I like talk radio.

15. I'm full of natural exuberance :)

Weekly Goals

2011-02-13T09:26:00.000-08:00

I've decided that I need to start making some small weekly goals to help make me the person I want to be. And I figured documenting them online is the best way to make sure I stick to them. So here they are!

1. Read my scriptures every day.

2. Go to the temple once.

3. Start doing Weight Watchers with my aunt, and don't cheat.

4. GO TO THE GYM, even if I have to show up somewhere drenched in sweat from spin class.

5. Be less critical of others. Try to go a whole day without saying something criticizing.

Craft Night

2011-02-11T08:33:00.000-08:00

Last night, me and my mom, aunt and 3 sisters (techincally 2 are cousins, but we have a sisterly bond) had a craft night! Holly brought her Cricut machine. I need one. and we made Valentine's day cards! I only had time to make one. I cut out a cupcake from paper, and glued on pink sequins for sprinkles, and a sparkley red brad for a cherry. On the inside, I used the Cricut to write "You're Sweet." Maybe I'll give it to somebody I visit teach.

I really wanted to make heart smores from Crazy Domestic, but I couldn't get the graham cracker crumbs to harden. :( So I had to get a little creative. I stuck my heart marshmallows on lollipop sticks, dipped them in chocolate, and sprinkled graham cracker crumbs on them. Not gonna lie, it was a giant pain, and they aren't as cute as I'd hoped. Oh well. I love Cake Pops. Pretty much Bakerella is my idol. If you don't know who she is, go to bakerella.com now. I promise you, your life will never be the same. My awesome sister, Holly, is so kind and thoughtful. Anytime she sees something I'd like, she buys it! I've been wanting the Cake Pop book forever, and she surprised me with it! So happy!

I had already been planning on making some pops to take to work on Valentines day. I think they turned out pretty cute! (They're cuter now that they're off the styrofoam block and in cute little bags.) Dude. Cake Pops are pretty much manna from heaven, but they are a beast to make. Not kidding you, it took me three evenings. Totally worth it.For Valentines day, I painted my cousin Heather this canvas! (Not at craft night, since she was there.) Let's face it, I'm kinda awesome.
The rest of craft night was spent passing around this happy little baby. Look at that face, and try not to smile. Yeah, that's right, you can't. At one point during the night, I went to lick some white chocolate off my fingers from the Cake Pops..It turned out to be Marley's spit up. Disgusting. It's ok, I still love her.

Think happy thoughts

2011-02-04T20:45:00.000-08:00

I know my blog header sucks. I'm working on it. This whole Photoshop thing is new to me.

It's been a long week. And it's going to be an even longer weekend. That consists of:
1. being sick.
2. three roadshow performances. (3 hours long each.)
3. 2 clients on Saturday before roadshow.
4. doing my friends hair for her bridal photos Sunday morning
5. 3 hours of church on Sunday

So here is a list of things that make me happy as of late, in an effort to brighten my night, and yours.

1. Cupcakes. Of course. In particular, Sprinkles cupcakes. Peanut butter chocolate, please!

2. RPM at Fitness Works! (Their spin class.) I pretty much fell in love with it last week, and it's my new goal to go at least 3 times a week. It's super fun, and such a good work out.

3. Kelsey and Heather. My two cousins/sisters/best friends. They're the only people in the world that voluntarily change the song on my ipod in the car thirty seconds before it ends, because they know I never listen to the end of any song. They know to threaten me not to read the last page of a book I decide to read, first. (I do it anyway.) They text me just to say hi, have sleepovers with me when Ryan's out of town, and don't mind that I'm crazy as can be. I love them.

Don't forget to think happy thoughts!

2011-01-23T20:56:00.001-08:00

On Friday, I had a very strange desire to paint. Mind you, I don't paint. Never have.

But I couldn't get rid of the urge to. So I dug out some acrylic paint I've had in hiding for months, and got a few canvases.

If anybody knows anything about me, it's that I love all things cupcake. So I decided to start there. Here is what I came up with:

(in case you can't tell, that's a moustache.)

Not awesome or anything, I know, but it was fun. I didn't want to stop there though. So I got out my brand new pair of Toms. I love my Toms. But lately I've been feeling like too many people have them, and I don't like to be conformist. So, I fixed that problem, and painted my Toms.

Tada! Brand new, zebra striped unique shoes. I love them.

Looks like I have a new hobby.

2011-01-19T14:37:00.000-08:00

I'm a full time office assistant.

A part time hair stylist.

A Sunday School teacher.

A roadshow pianist.

A Relief Society pianist.

A wife.

A daughter.

A friend.

A baby-kisser.

A house keeper. (sometimes.)

A lover of music.

A wannabe crafter.

A church goer.

A talker. (and a funny one at that.)

I ask myself, how do I have time for all of these things? Where's my 'me' time?

Then, I realize that doing all of the things that keep me running from literally sun-up to sun-down is my 'me' time. I wouldn't feel like me if I didn't serve others, go out of my way to go see my neice, sing a song, call my mom, text a friend, cut some hair, and all the way through, smile, whether I mean it or not.

And I'm happy that that is who I am. That no matter how hard my life may be (and is), I can pick myself up in the morning, and start running, flashing my not-so pearly whites.

Do I complain? YES. (just ask my husband.) But at the end of the day, I am grateful for this busy life that completes me.

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you somebody else is to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; never stop fighting.

2011-01-09T20:27:00.000-08:00

So, before I got this second job, I was only renting a station at my salon. If you know anything about renting, you know it means you only work if you have clients.

And don't get me wrong, I do. (I mean, I'm freaking amazing.)
I just worked a lot less hours than I did before.
So I started crafting headbands, because I wanted to be cool like everybody else and their dog that makes them.

Actually, what really happened was that my best friend in UT decided that I needed a hobby, and made me pick one that we could work on together, then Skype about.
Since I needed new hair accessories, this came to mind.
Now I'm hooked.

Now, mind you, I know they're nothing specially, and lets be honest, the pictures of them suck, but here are a select few of the ones I've made.

Headbands make me so happy.

2011-01-05T17:53:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been going non-stop for the past month.

I got a second job, working 7:30-4, which I love. I'm doing reception work at The Doormill, a door and window retailer in Chandler. Then on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, if I have clients, I go to the salon. I also just got called to be a Sunday School teacher, am playing the piano for the ward roadshow, and seem to always have 50 other things on my plate.

And I'm not complaining. I love being busy. In fact, I'd say I thrive on being busy. I have less time to think, less time to find reasons to be unhappy.

But, I also have less (no) time to work out, less motivation to eat healthy, and a growing addiction to Dr. Pepper.

So I found something that I'm really excited about! The Biggest Loser Club.

$3 a week for 3 months. Which when you think about it, is the amount I spend on Dr. Pepper a week. My bank account won't miss it. 3 free Biggest Loser books. A meal plan to follow every day, with recipes and a shopping list. AND a work-out plan to follow, which is claimed to be simple for at home or at the gym.

My best friend (pictured below) is getting married Labor Day weekend. I haven't seen him in over a year and a half, and have never met his fiance. And busy or not, I will be 20 pounds less by then.

Wish me luck!

So this is the new year...

2011-01-01T09:54:00.000-08:00

And I don't feel any different.

Yes, new blog. Although, I can't figure out how to make it not look messed up. Thanks, blogger, for becoming so confusing.

I go back and forth with having a blog. I'm so easily influenced by those around me. I know people (and by people, I may or may not mean my husband) that think blogs are lame. So I delete it. Then I remember that I love to write..I love to be nostalgic..whether people read or not, and I resurrect it. Back and forth, back and forth.

But, here I am. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. If I'm going to resolve to do something, it will be because I feel deep down in my soul that I want and need it. But not because of the change of a calendar year.

However, with that being said, I'm resolving to do what I want. Not just because it's the start of a new year. But because I'm sick of living my life the way other people expect me to. I love to make other people happy, but guess what? My happiness matters too.

And although it's a tiny step in becoming who I really am, deep inside...

I'm starting a blog. And I'm not going to delete it.

So suck on that, blog haters.